I’m writing this with a very grateful heart although I feel as though I am losing some of the greatest blessings I have ever had; a relief society that was as strong as a true sisterhood, a ward that felt as though we were all family, and a bishop that was truly the father of our ward.
The past few years I have had some of my hardest trials that I am now able to look back on with a more positive attitude and with an entirely new perspective.
God really is aware of who we are and what we need. Our experiences, blessings, and trials really all depend on his timing and all-knowing wisdom. There are no words for me to convey how thankful I am for the love and support as I changed my life around. The 45th University Student Ward was a key role in helping me get a grip on my life, supporting me as I tried to heal a broken heart, and in learning how to love myself again. I wanted to share the experience that this last year has given me.
Before I came to this ward I was inactive. My old singles ward was full of clicks and judgments. I never felt as though I was cared about and I sat alone every week. I remember one day I embarrassingly asked my visiting teachers to hang out with me because of how lonely I felt. They stepped up to the plate, not because it was just a calling, but because they are genuinely great ladies. They befriended me and allowed me to feel as though I had friends in the ward. Besides these two remarkable girls, I was defined as the unpopular girl by the other members and there were a lot of rumors that floated around about me that were not true.
I went to the bishop because I needed guidance and I had some sins that I needed the atonement and the priesthood in order to heal from. I shared everything about myself with him. He shared that confidential and personal information with his wife and she shared it with the relief society during a class in church. She also shared my weaknesses in front of a huge group of people during a service activity. Now there were not only rumors spreading about me, but cruel gossip of the most personal nature. I was embarrassed, I was angry, and I really hated myself and my ward. I allowed myself to become inactive.
My room mates at that time moved away to college and I moved into my sister’s unfinished basement. One month later my mom passed away. My closest friends were all out of state. Both of my sisters are married with children and they turned to their families during this hard time. They both tried to be there for me as much as possible, but I still felt alone. My father proposed to my mom’s best friend the night of her viewing and the next morning they stood together in the family line as they received the guests to my mom’s funeral.
Two months later my Dad and his wife Betty were married in the SLC temple. I was extremely confused and hurt. I didn’t have a strong testimony of family and I couldn’t understand the eternal perspective of marriage. I then found out that my Dad and Betty would be trying for a baby. I felt as though I was replaced. There were a lot of harsh words that were not true that were said to me by my friends, some ward members, and people I worked with. I took it to heart for a long time and I refused to be comforted.
I then went looking for some sort of comfort that I could have with out depending on anyone else. I started some very selfish habits that forced my last piece of comfort and support to fade from my life. All of my time, money and efforts were spent on me, trying to keep me happy, trying to keep me occupied. The Holy Ghost had to leave because of the selfish choices I was making. I have never felt more alone then I did at this time. I started living on survivor mode. I went to work, I came home, hid in my room, and I waited to fall asleep. This lasted for about 3 years.
I had some friends try to support me during this time but I would never let anyone in. I wouldn’t allow myself trust anyone and I was unwilling to allow any type of vulnerability, I even started to avoid my loving, kind sisters. Until I found myself on my knees praying for support I realized how much I needed the gospel in my life. I asked for guidance, to feel apart of a family again, and for a friend.
I started going to sacrament again because I knew the church was true and I couldn’t deny the promptings that I was getting. I wanted so badly to partake of the sacrament and to feel the Holy Ghost in my life. I started to feel not only the bitterness of sin, but the godly sorrow that the atonement requires.
Circumstances made it time to move out of my sister’s house and I was told that a girl named Annie Munk was looking for a room mate. I moved in a few months later.
Heavenly Father knew that it would take a very special person in my life to help me wake up from the habits and cycles of self-loathing that I was in. I really cannot think of any lady that is kinder, wiser, or more relatable for me than Annie. Over a month and a half of my moving in Annie knew my past, my present, and my hopelessness in the future. I felt stuck and alone and she gave me a direction and sincere friendship. She told me about the 45th ward and how it has many different types of people in it. That no one was perfect and that there were a lot of people working on coming back. She also told me that you were trustworthy and kind. She prepared me and supported me in coming back to church. I decided to send my records to our ward and I set up an appointment with my bishop.
I cannot describe how scared I was about opening up about my life and my status in repentance. Satan was giving every personal attack that he could come up with and there were many times that I know I wouldn’t have succeeded with out the help of an amazing and strong Relief Society president, room mate, and friend like Annie and some of the most influential friends I have ever met.
When I was meeting with Bishop Menlove, telling him about the things that I needed to work on and the things that I wanted in my life, he was so gentle. He helped me see the love that the Savior had for me. He helped me learn how to apply the gospel to my life. He helped me forgive myself; to bring the Holy Ghost back in my life and show me that there is hope in the future. He led me to a life worth living. He helped me learn how to love again, how to trust people around me and to let them in, and to see hope in a healthy and loving future that only Heavenly Father can give to us.
When I received my temple recommend I was able to go to the temple with some of the people that mean the most to me in life. It really helped me understand how families are eternal. I felt as though I was right at home in those sacred walls. I felt the love and true joy that the gospel can bring to you and those you love that night. I was reminded that I will never have to be alone. I would have never felt that perfect promise without your guidance.
The 45th University Ward will always be such a treasure in my heart. I have never felt so accepted and supported in a ward than I have in this one. The people that made up this ward family are so unique and wonderful that I honestly couldn’t have found such ease in returning to the right path as I did here.
I had no idea that by having me fall into the hardest trials I could be catapulted into the best kind of life. A life that is full of passion, security, and truth. Thank you for helping me to see things clearly. Thank you for helping me feel the spirit and for aiding me in getting back to the temple. Thank you for leading me to some of the most beautiful moments in my life.
The bishopric in the 45th is unlike any I’ve ever known. I have never so completely loved a ward as I did ours and I know it’s because of the people that presided over it.
I will be eternally grateful for having you in my life and I the best way that I could show how thankful I am for you is by living the best life I possibly can and by choosing to tie myself in every way to our Heavenly Father and his marvelous plan of happiness.
I received my endowment on June 25 at the 10:20 AM session in the Jordan River Temple. (Those in attendance: My Dad and Betty Nichols, London Riding, Lera and Greg Hess, Shannon and McWayne Mumford, Larisa Newman, Annie Munk, Stephanie Shott, Maiki Naone, Allison Hajek, Brooke Ipson, Allyson Browning, Jimbob and Abbe Hoggan, H. Ben Hansen, Brian Wilcox, and Emily Gibbs.)
It was the first time in my adult life that I felt beautiful. I was happy to the truest form. I felt close to my family, my friends, and the eternities. It is the best place on Earth; it radiates purity, promise, and potential. My oldest sister London was my escort and I loved being able to share that with her. Lera and London bought me all of my temple clothes for an early birthday gift and it was so great going and picking out my dress with Lera. These are now some my favorite memories that I have with them. They are both the world’s best sisters. I love them dearly.
Thank you so much for helping me get here. I finally feel as though I’m on the right track to my future. I am so blessed.
With all my love, Sister Sariah Nichols
Ps. I miss you 45th.
