Lead, kindly Light…

I am sorry that I haven’t posted as constantly as I should have.

So much has been happening that I can hardly keep up with it all. Sadly, life has been pretty hard for me lately. I’ve been having medical issues – all of them have taken weeks, months, years, to find out answers too. I feel that I have a game plan now and it’s easier for me to write about it because I’m not feeling lost in the night.

About a month or two ago my left side started to lose feeling and I was scared. I had a hard time understanding how I was getting worse when I was medically doing everything I could. I was dieting, I was doing physical therapy, I had spinal injections, I had nerve root block injections, I was taking my medicine, and I was following up with the doctors that were helping me through treatment. I had a blessing from my brother-in-law Greg and I felt calm and had peace that I would be taken care of. The next few days I was getting better, and fast. I was able to move into my sister Lera’s house with her beautiful family with a bunch of help from some really great friends.


A few weeks after I moved, the numbness and weakness hit me again, except this time it came back with a vengeance. My entire left side, arm and leg, went numb and weak. I could barely walk, shower, sit, and all of the amazing blessings that we take for granted daily. I couldn’t text or even hold my phone in my left hand.
I went to the ER, twice, and I had some tests done to see if I had a stroke. My face wasn’t affected at all by the weakness so the doctors were confused by my symptoms. I had tests of all kinds done for approximately 3 days. CT-Scan, 5 MRI’s, X-rays, blood work, strength and reflex, a heart echo…all came out healthy with no signs of MS, stroke, or any types of heart issues. I was perfectly healthy. I went back to the ER and they admitted me to the hospital to finish up these tests and were watching my vitals cautiously. (Apparently these symptoms can show weeks before the actual attack.)

I was so scared. I was feeling anxious because I hate hospitals; my mom had spent so much of her life in one that I promised myself I never would. I felt like I was imprisoned in my own body. The worst part for me was seeing my family struggle with my burden.

Before I went to the ER the first time, my Bro-in-law gave me another blessing. In that blessing Greg was so calm and faithful in the words he was revealing to me that I also felt the surety of the promises he was saying. He said that I will be healed, but I must be patient until that happens. I knew he was right. I’m trying to be patient. I’m grateful that answers are already coming into my view as I go through this journey.

I have been basically at bed rest at my sister’s house. I'm able to get around when needed and shower/take care of my simple needs. Laying down is the most comfortable for me. I’m not released to go to work-which I am grateful for because I couldn’t walk or sit for the requirements of my job. I’m working on filing a claim for short-term disability and I’m praying that everything will go smoothly with that.

I met with a Neurosurgeon last year; he gave me bad news and I felt a little shattered with the information that he was preparing me for if my issues spread past my right leg. He said that because my nerves were already damaged that doing surgery would provide more risk than relief and he told me that he would not be able to help me further until it became worse. When I left the hospital they told me that I needed to see this doctor again to follow up with him on my case. I didn’t want to see him. I felt as though that path had already been examined and I didn’t feel that he would be able to help me. By the time I was about to call to set up an appointment, my bro-in-law Greg’s mother called me. Nancy said that she works for an orthopedic surgeon, someone who deals with the bones instead of just the nerves, she told him about me and he made sure to see me a.s.a.p.

I met with an orthopedic surgeon this morning, Doctor Felix. He was such a kind and smart man. He knew my case before I arrived in the office. He already did the research on my films from the Lumbar Spine MRI that I had so I wouldn’t have to make a separate follow up appointment. He was prepared. And he was a black and white thinker like I am. He had a game plan. He gave me 3 options.
1. Do nothing and learn to live with it.
2. Do more physical therapy and try to strengthen what I have so it hopefully doesn’t spread. (Which is what I did last year and ended up having a damaged right leg)
3. Have spinal surgery. He said that the surgery will be my best option if I’m looking to save my left leg and if I want any chance of getting some strength back in my right leg. I felt as though that was the right solution and I have an appointment at the St. Marks hospital for spinal surgery on April 30th.

I’m nervous for the 8-10 weeks of recovery and for the issues that may arise during the procedure, but I feel solid about this decision.

I feel as though it’s my best option and that the past 2 years have been leading me up to this choice. My arm is back to normal. My leg is getting a bit worse. All in all, I know that I will be taken care of and I feel truly blessed for the help of my family and friends.

When I was released from the hospital the next day due to insurance issues, I was released under guardian care. I lived with my Dad and his wife Betty for almost two weeks. They were so hospitable.
My dad was gone for the majority of the time, because of work, but when he was home he was supportive, involved and loving.
Betty is a retired nurse. She was all over my illness from the moment I went to the ER, to the tests, to the hospital, to being released at home. She was with me, drove me, visited me, and made sure I had what I needed.
Lera and Greg have been so sweet and helpful. I have been living back at their home for a few weeks. Lera goes to the store for me, helps me clean and do my laundry, makes errands for me, and she always checks in on me. (Even though she is a mom of 2 boys, ages 2 and 3, and works part-time at the fitness center- she always makes time for me.) She made sure that I had clean clothes and all of the preps a girl needs when she isn't in the luxery of her own home.
Greg, always the nice guy, treats me like a spoiled little sister. He helps me set up my computer and all of the gadgets that I need to be more comfortable. He gives me the good parking spot. He plays games with me on the phone. He is so entertaining and funny.
My nephews, Brody and Palmer are two of the cutest things you can imagine. They give me “big loves” which consists of grins, giggles, and full body hugs. They ask me about my ow-ie all the time. Saying that they can’t see it but they have to still be careful with Auntie Why.
My sister London calls me a lot and keeps me company. She has helped me stay motivated in eating right and being as healthy as possible. She has helped me know that I’m not alone these past years. Always helping me feel loved and I always feel more "like me" when I’m with her. She doesn’t expect anything from me but to be me.
Annie stayed with me while I was admitted in the hospital. She helped me get some of my medical strings tied up on the insurance side. She has offered supportive gospel and attitude counsel, medical advice, and has helped me become aware of all of my blessings by her optimism and thoughtfulness. She always knows when I need support, whether it’s because times are hard or because she just knows me and my quarks. She has held my hand through the past 2 years in this medical trial.
I have had a bunch of texts and calls from friends that have been so constant this last year. They all support me in different, and much needed, ways.

I was going to have the surgery this coming Monday, but my friend Allison will be coming out for the MTC a day early and we are going to throw her a nice dinner (at Red Robin, lol) before she leaves. Besides doctor’s appointments and tests, this will be my first time out of the house. I’m dying to have some fun…but I’m also nervous for how people will look at me. I don’t know what are worse, judgmental eyes or the sympathetic eyes that make you feel a little pathetic. Either way I need to strengthen up. Recovery is going to be a long road. I want to feel normal again. I trust that I’m headed in that direction. I have faith that I will not be alone during this or let down during this change in my life. I'm glad that I asked if there was a later appointment because the nurse told me that we would actually need to set up another appointment for a pre-op. Which they would not have been able to have done before Monday and that could have held up my surgery.

I’m really trying to make a better, healthier life for myself. Since I can’t swim in the mornings, I have got to get my diet working for me. I have been using the app "fitness pal" which is a daily calorie counter. It's been working for me.
Low calories. Low carbs. Low sugars. High protein. High fiber. High motivation.

Like the brilliant John Lennon has said, “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans”. A few years ago I would have never seen me in this situation. But I can see the blessings that I have because of the trials I have gone through. I’m happy and I feel the blessings of the Lord in my daily life. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost during trials and the hard times. There is a season for everything; right now this is a down time for me. I know that the seasons change...I’m looking forward to what the future holds for me.