My Sacrament Talk from 2013

I've spoken in sacrament twice in my adult life.  I'm not talented at public speaking and I am terrified every time I have to do it.  I came across my last talk as I was cleaning out my bedroom.  It felt sad that I wouldn't have a copy of this in the future, so I thought I would share my studies, and talk on my blog: 

I was baptized at 8 years old into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and later felt converted at 19 after a lot of personal study and discussions with my family and friends.  I’ve looked into many religions and nothing felt right.  A friend personally challenged me to read the BOM, I told her that I grew up in a LDS home and there were many opportunities for me to feel it was true, but I hadn’t.  She asked me if I ever read the BOM on my own- I hadn’t. I promised her I would read it and I told her I’d let her know if I found it to be true.  She asked me to tell her when, not if.  Through sincere personal study and in small and simple ways, I have my answer that there is a God, he hears my prayers and that this is the true gospel of Jesus Christ.

 Both of my parents were converted and baptized by missionaries. Granny, my mother’s mother was listening to a preacher on the radio in her attic, at a humbling point in her life she kneeled down and asked God to send her a witness of his church.  LDS Missionaries that were tracking, going door to door knocked on hers during her prayer.  She and my mother, a teenager at that time were converted and baptized.  My father was converted after he was married to my mother.  He went to church with her a few times and my mother introduced him to a missionary couple whom were serving in the stake.  He was converted easily and willingly through the missionary discussions. In my entire life I have never seen my father or mother waiver in their testimony that this church is true.

I have been blessed with wonderful and strong religious examples in my life; however that hasn’t made my own testimony and conversion in this church easier.  As I have grown older I have realized that my parents did not just receive confirmation of this gospel and then simply stay active as a result of a one-time testimony.  In my own membership and conversion in the church I now understand that my parents have personally studied this gospel, they have each made sacred and meaningful covenants with our Heavenly Father, they have both use the Savior’s example to mold their own lives, and they continuously build and strengthen their testimonies.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about conversion and testimony of this gospel.  In study, I read the following

 By Elder Donald L. Hallstrom

Some have come to think of activity in the Church as the ultimate goal. Therein lies a danger. It is possible to be active in the Church and less active in the gospel. Let me stress: activity in the Church is a highly desirable goal; however, it is insufficient. Activity in the Church is an outward indication of our spiritual desire. If we attend our meetings, hold and fulfill Church responsibilities, and serve others, it is publicly observed.

We need the gospel and the Church. In fact, the purpose of the Church is to help us live the gospel. We often wonder: How can someone be fully active in the Church as a youth and then not be when they are older? How can an adult who has regularly attended and served, stop coming? How can a person who was disappointed by a leader or another member allow that to end their Church participation? Perhaps the reason is they were not sufficiently converted to the gospel—the things of eternity.

In the BOM 2 Nephi 31:19 he writes, “After ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done?  Behold, I say unto you, Nay”

The journey of conversion goes long after baptism and goes deeper than attending meetings.

What are the things of Eternity that will anchor us in this gospel?

Brother Brad Wilcox answered this to me by stating, “True conversion depends on obtaining an accurate view of life, the plan of salvation, God’s love, and Christ’s Atonement.  But it also depends on living in accordance with that knowledge in public and in private.  And when behavior lags behind beliefs, conversion means experiencing for ourselves how Christ’s strength is perfect in our weakness enabling us to “continue in patience until we are perfected”.  Sometimes finding hope and motivation to keep moving forward in this conversion process is as simple as going back to core doctrines and refocusing on them through new eyes.  Doctrine offers a firmer foundation than popular thinking or good advice.  Clear doctrine can help us identify and categorize problems.  More important it can be a tool to help us predict, avoid and solve them.”

The end goal is not to be baptized, go to the temple, and make it to the celestial kingdom; those are means to the end.  I believe that if we only focus on the steps, not the actions or the heart we put behind them, we will lose sight of what is ultimately important.  Our ultimate goal is to become like Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ.

David O. McKay said, “The true end of life is not mere existence, not pleasure, not fame, not wealth.  The true purpose of life is the perfection of humanity.”

In the book, The Continuous Conversion, Brad Wilcox gives 6 key points to help ourselves find this end.

The first is to OBEY 
This key point is the straight and narrow path.

We cannot outgrow the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; we can only grow in it.  Because I am imperfect, there have unfortunately been times that I’ve looked for an easier route.  I have looked for shortcuts and lazy ways out of being obedient.  I tell you today that there are none. 

Elder D. Todd Christofferson has said, “Sadly, much of modern Christianity does not acknowledge that God makes any real demands on those who believe in him. 

God requires our obedience, sacrifice, and commitment to live the gospel.  He calls for self-control, self-discipline, best efforts and hard work.  He wants our time, talents, and treasure. There is a list that Latter-day Saints are required to fulfill. We have been given these guidelines in the scriptures, general conference, church meetings, strength of youth pamphlets, personal revelation and the words of our Savior Jesus Christ.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “While understanding the ‘what’ and the ‘how’ of the gospel is necessary, the eternal fire and majesty of the gospel springs from the ‘why’”

The question is not if God requires something from us or even if He should require something.  The question is “WHY”.

Which brings me to the second key, LEARN.

In Doctrine and Covenants 78:8 we find the words, “ For if you will that I give unto you a place in the celestial world you must prepare yourselves by doing the things with I have commanded you and required of you.”

Brother Wilcox gives some perspective on this key, he said, “Christ’s arrangement with us is similar to a mom providing music lessons for her child.  Mom pays the piano teacher and because she pays that debt in full, she can turn to her child and ask for practice.  Does the child’s practice help pay the piano teacher? No. Does his practice repay mom for paying the teacher? No. Practicing is how the child shows appreciation for mom.  Mom’s joy is found not in getting repaid but in seeing her gift used-seeing her child improve.  And so she continues to call for practice, practice, practice.

If the child sees mom’s requirement of practice as being too overbearing, maybe it is because he doesn’t yet see with mom’s eyes. 

In the same way, because Jesus has paid for the price of justice he can now turn to us and say follow me, keep my commandments.  If we see his requirements as being too much, maybe it is because we do not yet see through Christ’s eyes.

"A God who asks nothing of us is making nothing of us and that is not the case."

 

To paraphrase Charles F. Stanley, from Blessings of Brokenness, “In this symphony that is my life; God is not content to be a member of the audience or stage crew.  He is not even content to be the conductor.  He wants to be the composer.”

Imperfectly, but surely, we are practicing to live with our HF and our Savior once again.

The third key is CHANGE

God desires us to obey and learn so that we can make positive changes over time.  Referring to an explanation given by Dallin H. Oaks, he said, “the repenting sinner must suffer for his sins, but this suffering has a different purpose than punishment or payment.  Its purpose is change.”

If Christ did not require faith and repentance, then there would be no desire to change.  Think of friends and family members who have chosen to live without faith and without repentance.  They do not want change.  They are not trying to abandon sin and become comfortable with God.  Rather, they are trying to abandon God and become comfortable with sin.  If Jesus did not require covenants and bestow the gift of the HG, then we would have no way to change.  .  We would have no access to God’s power.  We would be left forever with only willpower.

If Jesus did not require endurance to the end, then we would not internalize those changes over time.  We may change on the surface but they would not sink inside us and become a part of who we are.

Brother Wilcox shared in his book, “The older I get and the more I understand God’s wonderful plan of redemption the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus to let him stay.  No.  He will probably be demanding, “get me out of here”.  Knowing Christ’s character, I believe if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it will probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, “please choose to stay. Please use my Atonement-not just to be cleansed so you can qualify to stay, but to be changed so you desire to stay.”

Heaven will not be heaven for those who have not chosen to become heavenly.

Elder James E. Talmage said, “Any man may enter the highest degree of the celestial kingdom when his actions have been such that he can feel at home there.”

 IMPROVE and OVERCOME are keys 4 and 5

When the Savior healed the 10 lepers all of them were changed, however only 1 returned to thank the source of that blessing.  The 1 was made whole because not only did he change but he improved by turning to Christ.

We don’t pray because we’re worthy.  We pray because we need help. 

We don’t take the sacrament because we are perfect, but because we are willing to be perfected. 

We don’t go to the temple because we’ve made it, but because God is making us better there. 

We are not earning a treasure in heaven, but learning to treasure heavenly things. 

On the final page of the BOM we read the invitation to come unto Christ and be perfected in him.  This life is about becoming better.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen has taught that the Atonement is not just a doctrine that erases black marks.  It is fundamentally a doctrine of human development.

 The final key is BECOME

Learning and changing isn’t easy, when I feel overwhelmed in these areas I try to remember the times that I have succeeded and the moments I have seen Heavenly Father’s tender mercies touch my life.  I have to remind myself frequently to keep an eternal perspective.  I pray that I can become more like my Heavenly Father and my Redeemer Jesus Christ, that one day I can see things clearly and more so as they see. 

Real conversion happens when we stop placing so much importance on the habits in church and we start focusing on the reasons of this Gospel.  Conversion happens when we focus on living in ways that follow the example of the Savior.  Conversion happens when we allow change into our lives to purify and correct us. 

Today I’d like to challenge all of us to ponder the ways we can become more Heavenly, and then work on setting those ideas into motion.  I know that Heavenly Father has given us the keys to succeed and become more like him.  I believe that Jesus Christ is the living Redeemer. Through the Atonement, the Savior has provided a way for us to return to our HF changed and improved.  I believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true Gospel of our Heavenly Father; that it can give us all we need to return to him one day.

A List Poem

Hi. It’s been so long since I’ve written anything, too long in fact.  I feel out of the written-word-loop and for some reason it’s been keeping me awake at night.  Yesterday I remembered how writing used to be such a positive outlet for me– so here I am.

I’ve been thinking about when I was on the Literary Magazine in High School.  I loved it.  I was grateful for the passage it gave me to express myself freely, without worry of guilt, embarrassment, or judgment.  I was thankful for the kindred souls that wrote beside me.  We all were able to share our intimate thoughts and feelings simply by strewing them across white parchment or by letting our fingers dance across keyboards.  Even though we were all different and had diverse backgrounds, we were able to offer criticism and advice on what has been written- we were even able to have everyone’s opinion on work that needed to be shared anonymously.  It was simple.  Everyone was accepted.  No one was put down for being overly emotional, cold hearted, or heaven forbid to any grammar-nazis out there, misspellings.

My sister, Lera, was involved in the magazine.   She is 2 years my senior and when she was about to graduate I told her I was interested in joining the club, she helped me figure out what type of written piece I should submit to her peers to be judged and hopefully to win me a spot in the class. I wrote a list poem.  I’ve never heard of one before and when Lera told me about it, I thought it wouldn’t come across creative enough.  I thought that way of writing was too, I don’t know, “simple” I guess.  But I wrote it, they loved it, and it opened a lot of doors for me. 

I figured, since it’s been so long since I've written anything, I should re-submit myself to writing.  I’ve decided to apply with a list poem, for old time’s sake.

I feel:

Sad- I miss my Mom.  I miss feeling a part of a family; to have a place to go that feels like “ours”.  There is no more ours.  There is only “their place” and “thank you for inviting me”.

Alone - It’s the middle of the night, I’m watching Dexter, and someone is trying to open my front door.

Depressed- I’m a failure.  None of this means a damn thing.

Scared- Steady blips on the monitor spike up and down next to me, undeniable proof that my heart is still beating.  I’m in the dark, crying silently so the staff doesn’t hear what a coward I am.  I’m staying in what one of the nurses called the “broken heart” floor of the hospital; everyone else on the floor is here because of heart defects or disease, but they don’t know what I have, or where they should put me. The doctors can’t tell me why I’m here.  They can't tell me why my entire left side has lost strength and feeling, why I’m being buried alive in my own body.

Excited- Starting a 2 hour pinning marathon on Pinterest.

Blessed- I’m walking up stairs, and across uneven ground, without falling.  My nerve damage is repairing itself, long after the needed recovery time that modern day science had given me. Now as I get dressed in the morning, I don’t worry so much about my misshapen leg muscles and the numbness that lingers- It’s a miracle that I’m healing! I’m healing and I’m giving myself time to adjust. 

Free- It’s starting to rain again.  I roll down the car window and let it all in. The crisp air smells of the ocean and the neighboring dense forest trees.  I was nervous about driving on this bridge.  It’s so high and the ocean is far below us stretched as far as the eye can see- my two worst phobias.   But I don’t feel fear from height or water; instead I feel the raindrops spray softly across my face.  I feel my heart pounding excitedly in my chest, singing with blissful and purposeful beats. I feel life fill my lungs as though I haven’t breathed in years. I pull my friends camera out of the back seat, turn off her windshield wipers for as long as I dare, and take a picture of this perfect moment through the windshield.

Exhausted- My work week is slowly killing me: 5 hours until my alarm clock goes off, 1.5 hours until I need to leave for work, 1.5 hours until break, 15 minutes is not enough, 2.5 hours until I can eat, 5 minute mini-break so I can get more caffeine, I need to get the reports out, I’m running on time- finally!, Maybe I have to stay for overtime, I’m 3 minutes over my break, 190 emails sent, 145 emails deleted, 15 calls received, 25 outbound calls - I only have 2 hours before I can leave, I have 40 minutes to get home, I have 5 minutes until I need to leave, Crap I forgot to follow up on that issue- I’ll schedule it for tomorrow, 60 total minutes on the road, 3 hours until I need to go to sleep for an 8 hour night, I should call her, I need to buy this, I want to help them, I need to get out of my house, I need to get home, 5.5 hours until my alarm goes off…

Embarrassed- I’m sweating like a GIGANTIC pig!  This treadmill is going to kill me.  Please stop watching me.  Why are there mirrors in here?  I look like jiggly mash potatoes. I’m going to rip my shirt if I don’t stop pulling it down in the front.  “One of these things is not like the others…” 

Peaceful- My head hitting the puffed-up side of the pillow and the window is open, letting a cool breeze in to my clean, stylish bedroom.

Happy- Playing board games into the middle of the night with my family and best friends.  I listen to my mother’s voice bouncing between roaring laughter, awkward pickup lines to any male in the room, answers to my Dad’s “just checking in” phone calls from the road, stories about her mother, and outlandish words she finds on the Scrabble board that only someone from the 1800’s would know.  My sister wins every game of intellect.  I win every game of stratagem.  My childhood friend wins every game of speed.  My mom is smiling at all of us, just happy to play- the real winner.  “Does anyone need a drink from the fridge?”

The Heavy Stress of Losing Weight

I’m sorry I haven’t blogged about my weight loss for the past two months. I haven’t wanted to. I’ve been working really hard at dieting, exercising, and focusing on getting in a healthier sleeping pattern. I feel proud of the accomplishments that I’ve done over the past few weeks. I also feel angry.


I’m certain that after the creation of the Earth, Satan said, “And let there be weight plateaus!”

I’ve hit a plateau, violently hit it, I mean with gusto. I am .8 lbs. away from losing 50 lbs. Point. Eight. Pounds!! The past two months I’ve gotten a new account at work. (One I might add that has never been done by anyone in my title before. Yikes!) I’ve moved into a beautiful, with semi-shady neighbors, apartment complex. I’ve unpacked everything. I’ve decorated. I’ve cooked. I’ve cleaned. I’ve started walking and physical therapy with vigor. I’ve done charity work. I’ve started going to a singles ward, again. And through all of this I have gained and lost 3 lbs. over and over again.

I’ve been on this plateau for 2 months now. It’s frustrating as hades. I’m feeling impatient, defeated, and…hungry. But I know in the end things will work out. I will get past my 50 plateau! (And then I’ll burn it down to the ground so I can never be here again.)

A friend of mine posted a quote that I absolutely needed; Earl Nightingale states, “Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish. The time will pass anyway.” Right you are, Earl. Time will pass whether or not I am losing weight or gaining or maintaining. Next month I choose to lose.

The same friend was talking to me about the effects soda has on our body. I made a goal to go April without any. I made it to the 18th. Since then I’ve had 3. It happens. Life happens. I feel that now is not the time, I need the help of the delicious bubble calorie free treat. My friend asked me if I thought I had an emotional connection to soda. I laughed and said, “Of course I do. I have an emotional connection to everything that goes in my mouth.” Until I figure out some of the other bad habits in my weight-loss-life, I need the support of a fizzy beverage. Yes, I understand the harm it does. Yes, I know it helps you gain weight. I honestly don’t care right now. Maybe I’ll make it a bigger focus in the future. I guess we’ll see.

When I bought my scale I named it Carol after the tennis player character on Bridesmaids. The only line uttered to her is, “Get your shiz together Carol!” It’s fitting. Carol needs to get her shiz together and so do I. Carol and I have decided that I need to invest in a treadmill, even though my one bedroom apartment is objecting.

I’ll keep you all updated on my fun, and sometimes overwhelming, weight loss adventures. I’m grateful to have kept the weight I lost off. I’m even more grateful to have a refreshed motivation to get moving.

PS. Hash tags drive me ape nuts but my friend Jeff and I verbally say them out of humor and mockery. Example: “hash tag ____ _____ ____” Just to laugh off some annoyance in the past few months I have uttered the following:

#getmeapizza
#doublechin
#fat
#iwantfrieswiththat
#fitnesspalneedstogetagrip
#yourenotreadyforthisjelly
#babyelephant
#getyourshiztogethercarol
#imsothin
#heavyinyourarms
#fatamysbff
#fiberonedidmewrong
#helpme

Things I suck at:

I’ve recently been challenged by a youtube vlogger to make a list of things I suck at. My list of suck is in no way me being modest – It’s fact. I’m sure if you know me you can attest to many, if not all of these. Here we go.

I suck at:

CHANGE- Even if it is good change, I feel completely uprooted.

SPORTS- This is twofold: Playing them-I suck at all sports, all positions, and any type of athletic game. Secondly I suck at watching them- I want to understand what is going on, but I don’t. I normally cheer and/or boo at the wrong parts.

TALKING, WHEN CRYING- I am physically unable to speak if I’m crying. My throat closes off! My voice loses any control of pitch or volume. I normally end up speaking overly loud or not at all. The worst is when someone is waiting for me to speak…

STAIRS- Stupid-nerve-damaged-ridiculous-paralyzed-right-leg, you stop me from doing anything normal! I hate taking one stair at a time. Hate it.

LIFTING- I have T-Rex arms. They cannot lift anything. Case closed.

SURPRISES- Please, do not surprise me. I truly would rather not have a birthday party, dinner party, or any kind of party, than be surprised by one. Small gifts – those are nice surprises. A mass of people being in the know, without me knowing, is an anxiety nightmare.

SPELLING- Deal with it. I have to everyday.

MEMORY- I forget plans, names, faces, people, directions, locations, and all kinds of happenstances. Ever play Scramble on your phone? I do. I try to use the cheat called “vision”. I normally fail because I can’t remember one of the words I need to find. There are only 3 words to remember.

SAYING NO TO CARBS & CHEESE- Why would I? They are the longest relationship I’ve ever had.

SPEAKING IN PUBLIC- I’m a mumbling, stuttering, slurring, might pass out, freak.

TALKING ABOUT MY NOVEL- Apparently if you want to become a writer, people will expect you to be able to talk about things, explain things. Well that doesn’t work for me. I have placed dibs on being one of those “awkward as hell, but still charming in the right circles", kind of writer.

ROMANTIC LOVE- hahahahhahaa. Too bad I’m allergic to cats, because becoming a cat lady is in my cards.

BAD HAIR DAYS- I have called in sick to work because of this. I get hulk-angry.

BEING IN AN UN-AIRCONDITIONED HOUSE- Come on! No one wants to live there…let alone visit there voluntarily.

ESTIMATING SOMEONE’S AGE- You can tell me what year someone was born in and vocalize your inner monologue about what year we are actually in, but it doesn’t matter. No matter if it was 60 years ago or 5, I cannot figure it out. My brain comes back with “HUMAN ERROR”. There is none of that kind of math in here.*points to brain. If you want to figure out someone’s age, I’m not the person to go to. If you try you may get, “1978 subtracted from 2013 – months in the year = the square root of I hate this”.

LISTENING TO VOICE MAIL- Just text me already! This is never going to happen. Every month or so I will do a massive deleting session…just so the stupid icon will leave my phone.

THEORIZING IN CASUAL CONVERSATION- I’m either going to think you are crazy, think you're wrong, or I will tune out. I’m sorry. I am not good in the grey-way of thinking. I’m black and white. Either have an answer or find one or make one.

MATH- please see “estimating someone’s age”

CAR, COMPUTER, AND PHONE PROBLEMS- My life, as I know it, is ending.

TRAFFIC- Sailors have my mouth.

FORGIVING SOMEONE THAT HAS INSULTED OR HURT MY LOVED ONES- I know I need to be better at this, but as it stands, you are basically dead to me.

Now I need to make Things I Rock At post, that way I won’t look like a total jerk and/or loser.

Losing Weight Update-January

From Thanksgiving to the end of December I lost 25 lbs.  I wanted to stay motivated throughout January, and for the most part I did.  There were a few days that I had a sweet-tooth-carb-tooth-cheese-tooth-salt-tooth, but for the most part I ate within my daily calorie zone.  Through January I counted calories more so than following the Weight Watchers plan.  For some reason calorie counting is easier for me, not as stressful.  I’m such an ‘all or nothing’ person that black and white rules seem easier to follow.  I quit Weight Watchers this month because I do just fine with calorie counting, plus quitting will save me the $40 a month fee.

What I’m doing: 

Only one soda a day – It must be a diet/low cal soda
Calorie counting
One cheat day a week...so I stay sane
I’m trying to get ready for work every day.  I feel better about myself and am more conscience of the things I do and eat
Packing snacks for work

In January I lost-drumroll……………….9 pounds!  Between having pneumonia, planning/throwing a baby shower, 3 birthdays, and being in bed with a hurt back, I think I did fairly well.

My total weight lost is 34 pounds; that is approx. 2.8 lbs a week. 

Here’s to February!!   *cheers with a protein shake

2013 GOALS

Write, and rewrite.

Everyday I’m guzzlin’…water.

Calorie counting = weight subtracting.

Make time, and room, for beauty.

Stop my glorification of a busy schedule.

Be grateful. Be prepared. Be aware.

Be flexible. Be passionate. Be me.

Say hello to trust, hope, and confidence.

Help those around me feel loved and wanted.

Remember:

Where I came from

Where I’m going

What I’m worth

What I have

Welcome to the weight watcher hunger games...

I'm giving a belated update for my first month of weight loss.  From Thanksgiving to Christmas I lost 25 lbs.  Not too shabby, my dear Watson.  I'm proud of the weight I lost this month.  Passing up the baked treats and holiday snacks was quite the hurdle for me, but I did it! 
I had one snack a week this month.  I gave everything else to friends, family, and yes, even the trash can.  I'm hoping for an equally successful month in January.  I might not hit the exact number of pounds lost by February 1st, but I hope that my motivation and hard work will have the same stamina.  I'll check in soon!