My Grief Cycle
SHOCK
It’s hard to breathe!
I can’t sleep!
I lost so much!
Who is singing upstairs!
April fools!
DENIAL
Work and sleep
My faith is strong enough
Work and sleep
I don’t need anyone
Work and sleep
ANGER
You should have warned me!
Gossip, lies, and rejection, oh my!
What loss, she isn’t lost!
Everyone is crazy!
A BABY!
BARGAINING
I don’t want to survive this…
If I make them a priority, I’ll be important to them…
Please, please help…
I’ll just go to church…
I feel fine…
DEPRESSION
everyone leaves
i’m not needed
i’m alone
i deserve this
hello darkness my old friend
TESTING
Counseling?
Medication?
Confiding?
Faith?
Crying?
ACCEPTANCE
I’m a part of a sisterhood.
My testimony is as strong as I build it.
I need to communicate with my friends.
Healthy relationships require trust.
I miss her.
CYCLING
hello darkness my old friend
I lost so much!
Please, please help…
Faith?
I miss her.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
A small story - to give some clarity
The passing of a loved one is a sensation that you can only understand if you’ve been through it. I’ve had many people give advice, condolences, and support while I have been grieving my mother. I’m grateful for those people. For me losing my mom also meant that I lost my person I could always run to, my overly-loud conscience, my personal comedian, a beacon of honesty, my trusted secret keeper, a gospel icon, and a best friend. Many people tell you that you will always have a part of her with you, but I was never prepared for the part of me that went with her. The shock of my mom passing on left me disoriented, breathless, and hurt. I’ve known from a young age that my mother was prepared for a shorter life but I don't think that anyone else could have prepared for it. I know that there will be times throughout my life that I will need to pause and secure my footing because there will always be a part of me that is anchored to her. We are connected, her and I.
Today I had someone tell me that they were sorry that I lost my mom. My first thought was, “I’m sorry that you never met her”. Knowing my mom was a blessing. My blog today was just going to be a list poem, which I'll share later, that I’ve been working on, but as I was typing it out there was more that needed to be said. More back story to what I’m missing out on and what I had to learn to do without.
My mother had moods that changed faster than Utah weather. She had the eyes of a hawk for flaws and shortcomings. She was as unruly and free as a shoeless summer. She was outspoken, always, whether it was with a tongue sharp as a sword or with courage speaking up for the underdog. My mom never swore, “Except one word that couldn’t not be replaced by any other word” when a woman was acting more like a witch than a lady. My mom was extreme in everything; from her loud shirts and muu-muus to her experiences in life and relationships.
My mom was a force to be reckoned with. The removal of that force from this world should have left a black hole in her place, not just a metaphorical one that I feel in my lungs whenever I’m lonely for her company but a real empty space where gravity prevents anything to remain, including light. How could you remove such a bright soul and expect nothing but darkness to be in its place?
The world should grieve her. Maybe it does, in its own way. It is lacking the barking laughter that only she could sound like when someone slipped and fell; no sound will echo that again. There was a tangible silence, only she could enforce on a room when she “needed to be alone for a minute”. The outdoors will be missing her pink hair - half red, half white, that she collected out of her hairbrush before she threw it outside “for the birds to use”. Trees are heavier now without her buying hundreds of notebooks and stationary pads to hand out to people in the neighborhood because “someone always needs school supplies”. Even the calendar celebrates April Fools the day after she left this world; it knew that if there was any time that she wasn't counting after curfew, being wasted by unrequited love, avoiding sleep, planning a meal, or her proving that punctuality was not a lost art in the Mormon culture must had been a joke. Handsome, and not so handsome, men everywhere will be missing her never-ending hunt for her single daughter. These men will go without a slipped phone number or dinner invite as she is leaving a restaurant, shopping a clearance isle, or even receiving oxygen from a paramedic who later she disappointedly found out was married. “Hollering distance” has been reigned in miles because other mother’s do not carry the same lung capacity, to call her children home that mine did. Every baby in a stranger’s arm was met with my mother’s cooing and individual 15 minutes of fame. A burning hot day will never hear the words “Haught-dawgy” the way my mother could say it with her unique Ohioan-Utahan accent. The sales for footies (small socks), sassafras tea, and jello have all likely plummeted. And waiters across the Salt Lake Valley are definitely handing out too many lemon slices per table.
The world has changed since her leaving it. My world has changed.
The Nichols girls are all equally emotional, moody and passionate as my mother in our own way or another. We have all split the compliments that my mother has received throughout her life. Her traits were divided amongst us. They would have to be. I don’t think anyone could have a personality that took on the world as spherically as my mother’s did. Even though I only have some of her charisma, craziness and passions, I’m lucky to have that part of her with me. A close friend told me that I exaggerate everything. I looked shocked and then I roared with laughter. I used to say that to my mom as well. It is true in both cases.
My mother never read us books before bedtime as children, but my entire life was full of stories. She embellished her past so much that they may as well have been tall tales. Her memories became our fairytales and fables. They became legends as they were told, and retold by many. She would tell them to anyone who would listen, or even stand still long enough. She was a story teller. A word weaver. She had a passionate look on the world. I compare my mother to Edward Bloom from the movie Big Fish to anyone who didn’t get the chance to meet her. She was equally full of life and tale.
The day my mom passed, my family sat in the family room that was next to the ER in the hospital. I remember a lot about that room, the things that were said, the way my family looked, and my thoughts during that awful night. I remember running into my brother-in-law Greg in the parking lot; he would tell me nothing but to go inside. I remember the squeaky couch cushion that I sat on next to my dad after he looked at me with tears telling me that “she’s gone”. I remember where everyone sat and how London and Monte arrived last and then seeing their faces fall as they were told the news. I remember the priesthood blessings that were given in a room that I’m sure has seen innumerable amounts of tears. I remember Monte looking at the floor and talking to everyone as he asked, “Well, will you be able to remember her stories?” We all knew that we would. They were imprinted in us, down to our cores. They will be shared with those that never got to meet her, those that will never understand the greatness of Valerie Nichols.
Today I had someone tell me that they were sorry that I lost my mom. My first thought was, “I’m sorry that you never met her”. Knowing my mom was a blessing. My blog today was just going to be a list poem, which I'll share later, that I’ve been working on, but as I was typing it out there was more that needed to be said. More back story to what I’m missing out on and what I had to learn to do without.
My mother had moods that changed faster than Utah weather. She had the eyes of a hawk for flaws and shortcomings. She was as unruly and free as a shoeless summer. She was outspoken, always, whether it was with a tongue sharp as a sword or with courage speaking up for the underdog. My mom never swore, “Except one word that couldn’t not be replaced by any other word” when a woman was acting more like a witch than a lady. My mom was extreme in everything; from her loud shirts and muu-muus to her experiences in life and relationships.
My mom was a force to be reckoned with. The removal of that force from this world should have left a black hole in her place, not just a metaphorical one that I feel in my lungs whenever I’m lonely for her company but a real empty space where gravity prevents anything to remain, including light. How could you remove such a bright soul and expect nothing but darkness to be in its place?
The world should grieve her. Maybe it does, in its own way. It is lacking the barking laughter that only she could sound like when someone slipped and fell; no sound will echo that again. There was a tangible silence, only she could enforce on a room when she “needed to be alone for a minute”. The outdoors will be missing her pink hair - half red, half white, that she collected out of her hairbrush before she threw it outside “for the birds to use”. Trees are heavier now without her buying hundreds of notebooks and stationary pads to hand out to people in the neighborhood because “someone always needs school supplies”. Even the calendar celebrates April Fools the day after she left this world; it knew that if there was any time that she wasn't counting after curfew, being wasted by unrequited love, avoiding sleep, planning a meal, or her proving that punctuality was not a lost art in the Mormon culture must had been a joke. Handsome, and not so handsome, men everywhere will be missing her never-ending hunt for her single daughter. These men will go without a slipped phone number or dinner invite as she is leaving a restaurant, shopping a clearance isle, or even receiving oxygen from a paramedic who later she disappointedly found out was married. “Hollering distance” has been reigned in miles because other mother’s do not carry the same lung capacity, to call her children home that mine did. Every baby in a stranger’s arm was met with my mother’s cooing and individual 15 minutes of fame. A burning hot day will never hear the words “Haught-dawgy” the way my mother could say it with her unique Ohioan-Utahan accent. The sales for footies (small socks), sassafras tea, and jello have all likely plummeted. And waiters across the Salt Lake Valley are definitely handing out too many lemon slices per table.
The world has changed since her leaving it. My world has changed.
The Nichols girls are all equally emotional, moody and passionate as my mother in our own way or another. We have all split the compliments that my mother has received throughout her life. Her traits were divided amongst us. They would have to be. I don’t think anyone could have a personality that took on the world as spherically as my mother’s did. Even though I only have some of her charisma, craziness and passions, I’m lucky to have that part of her with me. A close friend told me that I exaggerate everything. I looked shocked and then I roared with laughter. I used to say that to my mom as well. It is true in both cases.
My mother never read us books before bedtime as children, but my entire life was full of stories. She embellished her past so much that they may as well have been tall tales. Her memories became our fairytales and fables. They became legends as they were told, and retold by many. She would tell them to anyone who would listen, or even stand still long enough. She was a story teller. A word weaver. She had a passionate look on the world. I compare my mother to Edward Bloom from the movie Big Fish to anyone who didn’t get the chance to meet her. She was equally full of life and tale.
The day my mom passed, my family sat in the family room that was next to the ER in the hospital. I remember a lot about that room, the things that were said, the way my family looked, and my thoughts during that awful night. I remember running into my brother-in-law Greg in the parking lot; he would tell me nothing but to go inside. I remember the squeaky couch cushion that I sat on next to my dad after he looked at me with tears telling me that “she’s gone”. I remember where everyone sat and how London and Monte arrived last and then seeing their faces fall as they were told the news. I remember the priesthood blessings that were given in a room that I’m sure has seen innumerable amounts of tears. I remember Monte looking at the floor and talking to everyone as he asked, “Well, will you be able to remember her stories?” We all knew that we would. They were imprinted in us, down to our cores. They will be shared with those that never got to meet her, those that will never understand the greatness of Valerie Nichols.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Lead, kindly Light…
I am sorry that I haven’t posted as constantly as I should have.
So much has been happening that I can hardly keep up with it all. Sadly, life has been pretty hard for me lately. I’ve been having medical issues – all of them have taken weeks, months, years, to find out answers too. I feel that I have a game plan now and it’s easier for me to write about it because I’m not feeling lost in the night.
About a month or two ago my left side started to lose feeling and I was scared. I had a hard time understanding how I was getting worse when I was medically doing everything I could. I was dieting, I was doing physical therapy, I had spinal injections, I had nerve root block injections, I was taking my medicine, and I was following up with the doctors that were helping me through treatment. I had a blessing from my brother-in-law Greg and I felt calm and had peace that I would be taken care of. The next few days I was getting better, and fast. I was able to move into my sister Lera’s house with her beautiful family with a bunch of help from some really great friends.
A few weeks after I moved, the numbness and weakness hit me again, except this time it came back with a vengeance. My entire left side, arm and leg, went numb and weak. I could barely walk, shower, sit, and all of the amazing blessings that we take for granted daily. I couldn’t text or even hold my phone in my left hand.
I went to the ER, twice, and I had some tests done to see if I had a stroke. My face wasn’t affected at all by the weakness so the doctors were confused by my symptoms. I had tests of all kinds done for approximately 3 days. CT-Scan, 5 MRI’s, X-rays, blood work, strength and reflex, a heart echo…all came out healthy with no signs of MS, stroke, or any types of heart issues. I was perfectly healthy. I went back to the ER and they admitted me to the hospital to finish up these tests and were watching my vitals cautiously. (Apparently these symptoms can show weeks before the actual attack.)
I was so scared. I was feeling anxious because I hate hospitals; my mom had spent so much of her life in one that I promised myself I never would. I felt like I was imprisoned in my own body. The worst part for me was seeing my family struggle with my burden.
Before I went to the ER the first time, my Bro-in-law gave me another blessing. In that blessing Greg was so calm and faithful in the words he was revealing to me that I also felt the surety of the promises he was saying. He said that I will be healed, but I must be patient until that happens. I knew he was right. I’m trying to be patient. I’m grateful that answers are already coming into my view as I go through this journey.
I have been basically at bed rest at my sister’s house. I'm able to get around when needed and shower/take care of my simple needs. Laying down is the most comfortable for me. I’m not released to go to work-which I am grateful for because I couldn’t walk or sit for the requirements of my job. I’m working on filing a claim for short-term disability and I’m praying that everything will go smoothly with that.
I met with a Neurosurgeon last year; he gave me bad news and I felt a little shattered with the information that he was preparing me for if my issues spread past my right leg. He said that because my nerves were already damaged that doing surgery would provide more risk than relief and he told me that he would not be able to help me further until it became worse. When I left the hospital they told me that I needed to see this doctor again to follow up with him on my case. I didn’t want to see him. I felt as though that path had already been examined and I didn’t feel that he would be able to help me. By the time I was about to call to set up an appointment, my bro-in-law Greg’s mother called me. Nancy said that she works for an orthopedic surgeon, someone who deals with the bones instead of just the nerves, she told him about me and he made sure to see me a.s.a.p.
I met with an orthopedic surgeon this morning, Doctor Felix. He was such a kind and smart man. He knew my case before I arrived in the office. He already did the research on my films from the Lumbar Spine MRI that I had so I wouldn’t have to make a separate follow up appointment. He was prepared. And he was a black and white thinker like I am. He had a game plan. He gave me 3 options.
1. Do nothing and learn to live with it.
2. Do more physical therapy and try to strengthen what I have so it hopefully doesn’t spread. (Which is what I did last year and ended up having a damaged right leg)
3. Have spinal surgery. He said that the surgery will be my best option if I’m looking to save my left leg and if I want any chance of getting some strength back in my right leg. I felt as though that was the right solution and I have an appointment at the St. Marks hospital for spinal surgery on April 30th.
I’m nervous for the 8-10 weeks of recovery and for the issues that may arise during the procedure, but I feel solid about this decision.
I feel as though it’s my best option and that the past 2 years have been leading me up to this choice. My arm is back to normal. My leg is getting a bit worse. All in all, I know that I will be taken care of and I feel truly blessed for the help of my family and friends.
When I was released from the hospital the next day due to insurance issues, I was released under guardian care. I lived with my Dad and his wife Betty for almost two weeks. They were so hospitable.
My dad was gone for the majority of the time, because of work, but when he was home he was supportive, involved and loving.
Betty is a retired nurse. She was all over my illness from the moment I went to the ER, to the tests, to the hospital, to being released at home. She was with me, drove me, visited me, and made sure I had what I needed.
Lera and Greg have been so sweet and helpful. I have been living back at their home for a few weeks. Lera goes to the store for me, helps me clean and do my laundry, makes errands for me, and she always checks in on me. (Even though she is a mom of 2 boys, ages 2 and 3, and works part-time at the fitness center- she always makes time for me.) She made sure that I had clean clothes and all of the preps a girl needs when she isn't in the luxery of her own home.
Greg, always the nice guy, treats me like a spoiled little sister. He helps me set up my computer and all of the gadgets that I need to be more comfortable. He gives me the good parking spot. He plays games with me on the phone. He is so entertaining and funny.
My nephews, Brody and Palmer are two of the cutest things you can imagine. They give me “big loves” which consists of grins, giggles, and full body hugs. They ask me about my ow-ie all the time. Saying that they can’t see it but they have to still be careful with Auntie Why.
My sister London calls me a lot and keeps me company. She has helped me stay motivated in eating right and being as healthy as possible. She has helped me know that I’m not alone these past years. Always helping me feel loved and I always feel more "like me" when I’m with her. She doesn’t expect anything from me but to be me.
Annie stayed with me while I was admitted in the hospital. She helped me get some of my medical strings tied up on the insurance side. She has offered supportive gospel and attitude counsel, medical advice, and has helped me become aware of all of my blessings by her optimism and thoughtfulness. She always knows when I need support, whether it’s because times are hard or because she just knows me and my quarks. She has held my hand through the past 2 years in this medical trial.
I have had a bunch of texts and calls from friends that have been so constant this last year. They all support me in different, and much needed, ways.
I was going to have the surgery this coming Monday, but my friend Allison will be coming out for the MTC a day early and we are going to throw her a nice dinner (at Red Robin, lol) before she leaves. Besides doctor’s appointments and tests, this will be my first time out of the house. I’m dying to have some fun…but I’m also nervous for how people will look at me. I don’t know what are worse, judgmental eyes or the sympathetic eyes that make you feel a little pathetic. Either way I need to strengthen up. Recovery is going to be a long road. I want to feel normal again. I trust that I’m headed in that direction. I have faith that I will not be alone during this or let down during this change in my life. I'm glad that I asked if there was a later appointment because the nurse told me that we would actually need to set up another appointment for a pre-op. Which they would not have been able to have done before Monday and that could have held up my surgery.
I’m really trying to make a better, healthier life for myself. Since I can’t swim in the mornings, I have got to get my diet working for me. I have been using the app "fitness pal" which is a daily calorie counter. It's been working for me.
Low calories. Low carbs. Low sugars. High protein. High fiber. High motivation.
Like the brilliant John Lennon has said, “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans”. A few years ago I would have never seen me in this situation. But I can see the blessings that I have because of the trials I have gone through. I’m happy and I feel the blessings of the Lord in my daily life. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost during trials and the hard times. There is a season for everything; right now this is a down time for me. I know that the seasons change...I’m looking forward to what the future holds for me.
So much has been happening that I can hardly keep up with it all. Sadly, life has been pretty hard for me lately. I’ve been having medical issues – all of them have taken weeks, months, years, to find out answers too. I feel that I have a game plan now and it’s easier for me to write about it because I’m not feeling lost in the night.
About a month or two ago my left side started to lose feeling and I was scared. I had a hard time understanding how I was getting worse when I was medically doing everything I could. I was dieting, I was doing physical therapy, I had spinal injections, I had nerve root block injections, I was taking my medicine, and I was following up with the doctors that were helping me through treatment. I had a blessing from my brother-in-law Greg and I felt calm and had peace that I would be taken care of. The next few days I was getting better, and fast. I was able to move into my sister Lera’s house with her beautiful family with a bunch of help from some really great friends.
A few weeks after I moved, the numbness and weakness hit me again, except this time it came back with a vengeance. My entire left side, arm and leg, went numb and weak. I could barely walk, shower, sit, and all of the amazing blessings that we take for granted daily. I couldn’t text or even hold my phone in my left hand.
I went to the ER, twice, and I had some tests done to see if I had a stroke. My face wasn’t affected at all by the weakness so the doctors were confused by my symptoms. I had tests of all kinds done for approximately 3 days. CT-Scan, 5 MRI’s, X-rays, blood work, strength and reflex, a heart echo…all came out healthy with no signs of MS, stroke, or any types of heart issues. I was perfectly healthy. I went back to the ER and they admitted me to the hospital to finish up these tests and were watching my vitals cautiously. (Apparently these symptoms can show weeks before the actual attack.)
I was so scared. I was feeling anxious because I hate hospitals; my mom had spent so much of her life in one that I promised myself I never would. I felt like I was imprisoned in my own body. The worst part for me was seeing my family struggle with my burden.
Before I went to the ER the first time, my Bro-in-law gave me another blessing. In that blessing Greg was so calm and faithful in the words he was revealing to me that I also felt the surety of the promises he was saying. He said that I will be healed, but I must be patient until that happens. I knew he was right. I’m trying to be patient. I’m grateful that answers are already coming into my view as I go through this journey.
I have been basically at bed rest at my sister’s house. I'm able to get around when needed and shower/take care of my simple needs. Laying down is the most comfortable for me. I’m not released to go to work-which I am grateful for because I couldn’t walk or sit for the requirements of my job. I’m working on filing a claim for short-term disability and I’m praying that everything will go smoothly with that.
I met with a Neurosurgeon last year; he gave me bad news and I felt a little shattered with the information that he was preparing me for if my issues spread past my right leg. He said that because my nerves were already damaged that doing surgery would provide more risk than relief and he told me that he would not be able to help me further until it became worse. When I left the hospital they told me that I needed to see this doctor again to follow up with him on my case. I didn’t want to see him. I felt as though that path had already been examined and I didn’t feel that he would be able to help me. By the time I was about to call to set up an appointment, my bro-in-law Greg’s mother called me. Nancy said that she works for an orthopedic surgeon, someone who deals with the bones instead of just the nerves, she told him about me and he made sure to see me a.s.a.p.
I met with an orthopedic surgeon this morning, Doctor Felix. He was such a kind and smart man. He knew my case before I arrived in the office. He already did the research on my films from the Lumbar Spine MRI that I had so I wouldn’t have to make a separate follow up appointment. He was prepared. And he was a black and white thinker like I am. He had a game plan. He gave me 3 options.
1. Do nothing and learn to live with it.
2. Do more physical therapy and try to strengthen what I have so it hopefully doesn’t spread. (Which is what I did last year and ended up having a damaged right leg)
3. Have spinal surgery. He said that the surgery will be my best option if I’m looking to save my left leg and if I want any chance of getting some strength back in my right leg. I felt as though that was the right solution and I have an appointment at the St. Marks hospital for spinal surgery on April 30th.
I’m nervous for the 8-10 weeks of recovery and for the issues that may arise during the procedure, but I feel solid about this decision.
I feel as though it’s my best option and that the past 2 years have been leading me up to this choice. My arm is back to normal. My leg is getting a bit worse. All in all, I know that I will be taken care of and I feel truly blessed for the help of my family and friends.
When I was released from the hospital the next day due to insurance issues, I was released under guardian care. I lived with my Dad and his wife Betty for almost two weeks. They were so hospitable.
My dad was gone for the majority of the time, because of work, but when he was home he was supportive, involved and loving.
Betty is a retired nurse. She was all over my illness from the moment I went to the ER, to the tests, to the hospital, to being released at home. She was with me, drove me, visited me, and made sure I had what I needed.
Lera and Greg have been so sweet and helpful. I have been living back at their home for a few weeks. Lera goes to the store for me, helps me clean and do my laundry, makes errands for me, and she always checks in on me. (Even though she is a mom of 2 boys, ages 2 and 3, and works part-time at the fitness center- she always makes time for me.) She made sure that I had clean clothes and all of the preps a girl needs when she isn't in the luxery of her own home.
Greg, always the nice guy, treats me like a spoiled little sister. He helps me set up my computer and all of the gadgets that I need to be more comfortable. He gives me the good parking spot. He plays games with me on the phone. He is so entertaining and funny.
My nephews, Brody and Palmer are two of the cutest things you can imagine. They give me “big loves” which consists of grins, giggles, and full body hugs. They ask me about my ow-ie all the time. Saying that they can’t see it but they have to still be careful with Auntie Why.
My sister London calls me a lot and keeps me company. She has helped me stay motivated in eating right and being as healthy as possible. She has helped me know that I’m not alone these past years. Always helping me feel loved and I always feel more "like me" when I’m with her. She doesn’t expect anything from me but to be me.
Annie stayed with me while I was admitted in the hospital. She helped me get some of my medical strings tied up on the insurance side. She has offered supportive gospel and attitude counsel, medical advice, and has helped me become aware of all of my blessings by her optimism and thoughtfulness. She always knows when I need support, whether it’s because times are hard or because she just knows me and my quarks. She has held my hand through the past 2 years in this medical trial.
I have had a bunch of texts and calls from friends that have been so constant this last year. They all support me in different, and much needed, ways.
I was going to have the surgery this coming Monday, but my friend Allison will be coming out for the MTC a day early and we are going to throw her a nice dinner (at Red Robin, lol) before she leaves. Besides doctor’s appointments and tests, this will be my first time out of the house. I’m dying to have some fun…but I’m also nervous for how people will look at me. I don’t know what are worse, judgmental eyes or the sympathetic eyes that make you feel a little pathetic. Either way I need to strengthen up. Recovery is going to be a long road. I want to feel normal again. I trust that I’m headed in that direction. I have faith that I will not be alone during this or let down during this change in my life. I'm glad that I asked if there was a later appointment because the nurse told me that we would actually need to set up another appointment for a pre-op. Which they would not have been able to have done before Monday and that could have held up my surgery.
I’m really trying to make a better, healthier life for myself. Since I can’t swim in the mornings, I have got to get my diet working for me. I have been using the app "fitness pal" which is a daily calorie counter. It's been working for me.
Low calories. Low carbs. Low sugars. High protein. High fiber. High motivation.
Like the brilliant John Lennon has said, “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans”. A few years ago I would have never seen me in this situation. But I can see the blessings that I have because of the trials I have gone through. I’m happy and I feel the blessings of the Lord in my daily life. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost during trials and the hard times. There is a season for everything; right now this is a down time for me. I know that the seasons change...I’m looking forward to what the future holds for me.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
FREE MEAL...or dressing
I have been wanting to blog for a while, but the things I want to write about are feelings or journals about specific events. That takes way too much time. So instead, I'm going to post one delicious recipe. This is a mock-Cafe Rio House Dressing or Creamy Tomatillo Dressing. Enjoy.
Creamy Tomatillo Dressing
4-5 husked tomatillos (depending on size)
1 C mayo
1 pkg Buttermilk Ranch dressing
1 & 1/2 limes, juiced
1/2 sprig of cilantro (remove large stems)
1/2 - 1 seedless-jalapeno (depends on spice desired)
2 cloves minced garlic
*1 Cafe Rio Worker
Blend until liquefied
Keep refrigerated up to two weeks
*1 Cafe Rio Worker is not actually needed...that was just for funsies.
(If you are making salads, you can use the rest of the cilantro/limes for those.)
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Eleven Tag
I have been having a huge writer's block as of late; whether it's for blogging, writing, letters and even my lame facebook status - I'm at a loss. I'm glad that I have a few questions to answer from being tagged in this chain-blog, because frankly, it gives me something to post about.
Here's what I have to do (and 11 other lucky readers):
1. Post the rules
2. Share 11 random things about myself
3. Answer the 11 questions from the post in which I was tagged
4. Create 11 new questions for my tagees to answer
5. Tag 11 people
11 Random Things About Me:
1. I am the MASTER at having unrequited relationships.
2. I have a goal to go on one big vacation and one small vacation every year.
3. I want to be a published writer even though I have very poor grammar and spelling habits. I am currently working on two novels-both suffering from writer's block.
4. I have a small swearing problem.
5. I love stars. I love star-gazing. I love songs about them. I love poetry that talks about their celestial glow and beauty. I love the pattern, the shape, and the symbols of them. I love that one of my nicknames is "Star". I love that I was given the book "star girl" because it reminded a friend of me. I love everything about stars.
6. I can play a few songs on the Uke and I love playing it. (However I don't love an audience) My Uke's name is La Mer.
7. I am an Ordinance Worker at the Jordan River Temple.
8. If I have to, I prefer to cry in the shower over anywhere else.
9. I am terrified of the ocean and I have a very irrational fear of the mammals in the ocean.
10. I rarely talk on the phone -but I am constantly texting.
11. I am always craving one of three foods: sushi, cheese enchiladas, or curry.
11 Questions Asked of Me:
1. How do you relieve stress? I shower and I shave. I know it sounds weird, but it gets the day off of you. It melts away tension and it leaves you squeaky clean.
2. What would be your dream vacation? A honeymoon cruise!!! ;)
3. What is your favorite quote/saying? Almost anything from Mumford but I really like, "Love, it will not betray you, dismay you or enslave you. It will set you free." -Mumford and Sons
4. How many hours of sleep do you need a night to function well? I need 6 hours to get through the weekdays but I HAVE to sleep in on the weekends.
5. What is your favorite dessert? I love rich chocolate and peanut butter.
6. What will you ask for as your birthday gift this year? I have no idea. I am normally very spoiled by my sisters and close friends. They got my back.
7. Do you have a nickname, and if so how did you get it? Auntie Why, my nephews all called me this at some point. <3
8. What is best and the worst book you have ever read? I tried reading the Eldest Series, but I would rather pull my hair out than finish it. The best book is really hard to say...maybe Sense and Sensibility.
9. What is something you would like to learn how to do? Lose weight and keep it off.
10. What celebrity do you have a crush on? Ryan Reynolds
11. What past job did you enjoy the most? I really liked working at Blockbuster. I made some really great friends there and I got some sweet discounts.
Questions for 11 Lucky People (should they choose to accept this challenge):
1. What are you naturally talented at?
2. What is the most embarrassing song you have on your ipod?
3. What book have you read over and over?
4. Who is your hero, and why?
5. What song represents you?
6. What is something that can always make you laugh?
7. Who do you consider your best friend?
8. What would you choose for your last meal?
9. What movie makes you cry, every time?
10.What advise would you give yourself if you could go back in time?
11.What question do you wish I asked, and how would you answer it?
And finally, the 11 Lucky People I choose to tag are...
1. Greg - I stole this one from Lera. :)
2. Jen Hoyt
3. Jenn Manrique
4. Rachel
5. Alypon
6. Brooke
7. Alice
8. Bequi
9. Sam
10. Lisa
11. Mr. C- if he reads this.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Random things I will never understand...
Adding water to soap
This does not make more soap. IT MAKES LESS SOAP PER USE. If you have skimmed every plastic piece of it's gooey cleanliness, it's time to get more soap.
Men
Cold case.
Pinterest
I love you but I will never understand the allure of people pinning things they would like to do, and yet, never do them.
Why do I keep coming back to you?
Because you give me a hope of things I want even though they are not apart of my current life.
*same answer applies to the subject of men.
The Inheritance Cycle
This book series is BORING and so hard for me to get through without comparing it to LOTR. Dear Chris, you are very talented for writing these at such a young age. Dear Readers, have you not seen the resemblance between LOTR and these books?
Twitter
You are lame!! You are the attention seeking drama that is my least favorite part of Facebook.
The impolite cough
I hate that I can't excuse a cough. I can sneeze, say excuse me, and it's pardoned. Coughing just seems to be a begrudged acceptance from everyone.
Hoarding scents
Why is it that we are always restocking on soap, shampoo, and conditioner, but we all have the unlimited supply of perfume. If we are not using them, we probably shouldn't keep buying them.
People
Wash your hands, let others pass you in traffic, clean your house, and be kind to people.
Seriously.
This does not make more soap. IT MAKES LESS SOAP PER USE. If you have skimmed every plastic piece of it's gooey cleanliness, it's time to get more soap.
Men
Cold case.
I love you but I will never understand the allure of people pinning things they would like to do, and yet, never do them.
Why do I keep coming back to you?
Because you give me a hope of things I want even though they are not apart of my current life.
*same answer applies to the subject of men.
The Inheritance Cycle
This book series is BORING and so hard for me to get through without comparing it to LOTR. Dear Chris, you are very talented for writing these at such a young age. Dear Readers, have you not seen the resemblance between LOTR and these books?
You are lame!! You are the attention seeking drama that is my least favorite part of Facebook.
The impolite cough
I hate that I can't excuse a cough. I can sneeze, say excuse me, and it's pardoned. Coughing just seems to be a begrudged acceptance from everyone.
Hoarding scents
Why is it that we are always restocking on soap, shampoo, and conditioner, but we all have the unlimited supply of perfume. If we are not using them, we probably shouldn't keep buying them.
People
Wash your hands, let others pass you in traffic, clean your house, and be kind to people.
Seriously.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Optimistic during opposition
For me, happiness doesn’t come naturally, this is a choice. I’m learning how to do it as I go, but I thought I would share some of the reasons why I decided to take better care of myself, to learn to love myself, and to only allow myself to invest in those that can give me a healthy relationship (whether it’s work, friend, social, romantic, family, etc…). I control my happiness; no one else really has a role in that. Yes, it’s true that others can make you feel all ranges of emotions from the best to the worst, but I control who I spend my time with and how much power I can give to others.
About two months ago, my roomy Annie and I were talking about how to be happy. We both shared some experiences on how we came out of a trial feeling happier than when we went into it, but I had absolutely no experiences that I was able to find the positive side during a trial. My life, just like everyone else’s, has been hard. I told Annie that the only way that I thought I could find happiness and stay happy was for me to be defensive against the things that hurt me. I had to defend the things that made me happy. I had to completely fight against the things in my life that brought me down. I had to arm myself with goodness. I started studying about the Armor of God. I started to pray for happiness. I started to beg, in sincere and righteous wanting, to have a special spirit to be with me so I could become an optimistic person. That week of asking, studying, and wanting goodness to fill my heart opened so many new ways of thinking for me.
The next week Annie asked me to teach a class on ‘How to be Optimistic during Opposition’ for a service week with the singles in our Stake. We both knew the reason why she thought I should teach this. We knew that I needed to study it. Studying for this topic has been such a rebirth in my emotional state. This topic has been very tough for me to study because; 1. I didn’t have a testimony of finding joy during trials, 2. I feel as though I have been barely staying above water in my life, and worst of all 3. I still didn’t think that I deserved to feel at peace. I prayed for that patient spirit to coach me through this.
When I started to study, I looked up numerous talks on trials. This was interesting to me because my focus automatically went to the burdens and how to deal with them.
I was talking to my friend Amanda about my medical issues. I had just found out that there was nothing the doctors could do for me but give me medicine to help with the pain, not even a resolve or temporarily take away the pain, but to try to find something to help it. Painful spinal injections did nothing. Physical Therapy only strengthened my financial debt. In a white cold doctor’s lab, my spinal surgeon told me that they would be unable to operate because I had such extensive nerve damage, that it damaged my muscles. I will always have a paralyzed extension in my right leg. He also told me that my spinal issues will branch off and cause other problems in my body. It could affect my hip movement, my bladder control, my sexual organs, my reproductive organs; my other leg, flexibility and movement in my back…but these were “highly unlikely”. In another visit he told me that my nerve damage may heal within the next year, but that was also unlikely.
The fear and loss of hope in gaining my strength back I felt in that moment had me weeping. I was lucky that Annie showed up at the end of the appointment, because she was able to ask all of the questions that I was begging to know. I’m also glad that she listened, because I couldn’t. My thoughts were screaming. I felt as though I had lost a future that I wanted so much, a family. I would forever feel trapped in a body that looked like a monster. I already have such bad weight problems that men will never feel attracted to me, but now I felt permanently damaged.
Who could love a creature like me? Who would take care of me if I got sicker? How could anyone not think of me as a burden? What friends would stick by me when I am such a freak of nature? I was terrified. I was so alone. When I left the doctor’s office I cried in the parking lot for a few hours until I could see the road.
I hated myself. I hated everything that I was. I hated everything that I thought I would never have in my future. A while later when I could open up about things, and I was talking to Amanda, I told her about my fears. I felt left behind. I felt as though I was slowing down and the whole world was speeding up. She told me, “Heavenly Father would only slow you down so he could make sure that you see things more clearly. This is a gift.”
That night in my prayers, I thanked Heavenly Father for the gift that he had given me, I asked for his help in seeing what was trying to show me. With a heart broken, tear streaked face, I fell asleep.
The next morning I remembered what Amanda said, I remember the spirit I felt during my prayer, and I put it to the test! I choose to let my guard down on everything good and allow myself to give up the things in my life that bring unhappiness. I am normally such a control freak, making this was such a hard thing for me to do.
When I started to study for my lesson, I was seriously taking note of my trials. I had a list of the things that I found the hardest to get through in my life.
When I looked at this list I realized how much I hated myself for this. I felt disgusting and alone. I knew that I was unlovable. I felt embarrassed by the lack of beauty I had to offer. I was damaged. I am damaged. I felt as though only someone abusive could give me attention.
Then, with the kindest and most gentle whispering from the Holy Ghost, I felt his words warm my heart. I felt these comforting words, “None of these were your fault or choice.” I felt peace, my thoughts slowed down. I was calm. Then another thought came to me, “What you do with all of this IS your choice.”
It is my choice. I own me. There are things in my life that I can’t control, but there are things that I can. Life is too hard to surround yourself with sadness. Love is too heartbreaking to put your hopes in someone that doesn’t yet know how to love. The church is too right to not use my time wisely and weave myself into its teachings. Family is too eternal to not love them. Friends of quality are rare and should be treated as gems. I needed to make an action plan so I would never feel unlovable and worthless again.
These are the reasons why I made the action plan below:
-I started to study blessings. Happiness. Joy. Love. Family…
-I started to pray with an open heart. I started to read my scriptures every day. I started putting church attendance as my top priority.
-I made an appointment with my bishop. I have been living so close to that line of sin for way too long. I kind of lead my life like “I want to be good, but I don’t need to be that good.” I realized that is how people were lost in the “mists of darkness”. Life is dark when you are not focused on the light of the world! Talking with my bishop was embarrassing, hard and I felt as though I have been in those offices way too many times for me to feel “light” again. But I did. Before I even left his office, I felt peace. I KNEW that I was doing what made Heavenly Father Proud. There really is no peace without keeping our promises to our Heavenly Father. We cannot be happy without the atonement. We cannot feel our worth before we become worth something in the eternities.
-I make sure that I take my medicine every day. I have a chemical imbalance, but it’s my choice if I want to feel that way or if I want to feel balanced. I prefer balance in my life. I prefer not to be in pain, whether it is spiritual, mental, or physical. Pain? No thank you!
-I have started to lose weight and become more physically healthy. Even if I am handicapped, I refuse to make things harder on myself. I’m down 26 lbs. It’s slow, but steady!
-I asked all of my family to be there for me. I told them it was ok if they couldn’t, but I needed their help. They are all becoming healthier. We lost over 100 lbs together. They have helped me with doctor’s appointments. We spend more time together. I am learning who they are and loving them. I am letting them in my life. I make sure that my time is spent with them when we both have it available.
-My friends that I hang out with love me. I know they do. They support me. They accept me for my flaws, they wait for me when I fall behind, and they help me smile naturally. They know that I love them and they accept that love. It’s not awkward. It’s perfectly equal.
-I don’t hang out with those that don’t love or respect me. If I feel as though I am being used, I cut off their supply of my time. I stopped investing in those that still don’t know who I am. I want to be known. I want others to see my worth. I am lovable, and if they can’t see it, that’s ok. I’m just not wasting myself or my time on those that can’t appreciate who I am.
-Every morning I wake up and I think ‘Today is going to be a great day’. It works. I even have a motto that I say to myself when I start to doubt my new life. It’s in the heading of this letter, “be calm, love on’. Slow down, open up. There is nothing in this world that is good that isn’t worth sending love its way. I was so afraid of LOVE. It seemed like the worst four letter word out there. When people said it, it seemed like a double edged sword, but it’s not. It’s beautiful. It’s kind. It’s simple.
-Every day in my prayers I am grateful. I share my happiness with my Heavenly Father.
That helps most of all!
I’m learning to fall in love with myself. Not in the conceded way, but in kindness. In the details. In the flaws. In the strengths.
I really do love my life. I’m so thankful for it. I am so blessed. I want to thank those that never expected me to be anything but what I am. Rie. Just Rie.
Happiness waits for everyone to find it. I’ve found that when you follow the above, things become more balanced. Things slow down. But in those times of doubt, if you need to borrow my life raft of ‘be calm, love on’ please do.
I was so grateful to study the subject of optimism but I was nervous, everything that I learned for this talk was so personal, I had no idea how I would actually share it. Interestingly enough, my class was cancelled. There was not enough time for my course to be added in the schedule. I felt a wave of relief. I felt blessed for being directed in this subject of study; because with out being asked to learn about it, I would have never have done it on my own.
About two months ago, my roomy Annie and I were talking about how to be happy. We both shared some experiences on how we came out of a trial feeling happier than when we went into it, but I had absolutely no experiences that I was able to find the positive side during a trial. My life, just like everyone else’s, has been hard. I told Annie that the only way that I thought I could find happiness and stay happy was for me to be defensive against the things that hurt me. I had to defend the things that made me happy. I had to completely fight against the things in my life that brought me down. I had to arm myself with goodness. I started studying about the Armor of God. I started to pray for happiness. I started to beg, in sincere and righteous wanting, to have a special spirit to be with me so I could become an optimistic person. That week of asking, studying, and wanting goodness to fill my heart opened so many new ways of thinking for me.
The next week Annie asked me to teach a class on ‘How to be Optimistic during Opposition’ for a service week with the singles in our Stake. We both knew the reason why she thought I should teach this. We knew that I needed to study it. Studying for this topic has been such a rebirth in my emotional state. This topic has been very tough for me to study because; 1. I didn’t have a testimony of finding joy during trials, 2. I feel as though I have been barely staying above water in my life, and worst of all 3. I still didn’t think that I deserved to feel at peace. I prayed for that patient spirit to coach me through this.
When I started to study, I looked up numerous talks on trials. This was interesting to me because my focus automatically went to the burdens and how to deal with them.
I was talking to my friend Amanda about my medical issues. I had just found out that there was nothing the doctors could do for me but give me medicine to help with the pain, not even a resolve or temporarily take away the pain, but to try to find something to help it. Painful spinal injections did nothing. Physical Therapy only strengthened my financial debt. In a white cold doctor’s lab, my spinal surgeon told me that they would be unable to operate because I had such extensive nerve damage, that it damaged my muscles. I will always have a paralyzed extension in my right leg. He also told me that my spinal issues will branch off and cause other problems in my body. It could affect my hip movement, my bladder control, my sexual organs, my reproductive organs; my other leg, flexibility and movement in my back…but these were “highly unlikely”. In another visit he told me that my nerve damage may heal within the next year, but that was also unlikely.
The fear and loss of hope in gaining my strength back I felt in that moment had me weeping. I was lucky that Annie showed up at the end of the appointment, because she was able to ask all of the questions that I was begging to know. I’m also glad that she listened, because I couldn’t. My thoughts were screaming. I felt as though I had lost a future that I wanted so much, a family. I would forever feel trapped in a body that looked like a monster. I already have such bad weight problems that men will never feel attracted to me, but now I felt permanently damaged.
Who could love a creature like me? Who would take care of me if I got sicker? How could anyone not think of me as a burden? What friends would stick by me when I am such a freak of nature? I was terrified. I was so alone. When I left the doctor’s office I cried in the parking lot for a few hours until I could see the road.
I hated myself. I hated everything that I was. I hated everything that I thought I would never have in my future. A while later when I could open up about things, and I was talking to Amanda, I told her about my fears. I felt left behind. I felt as though I was slowing down and the whole world was speeding up. She told me, “Heavenly Father would only slow you down so he could make sure that you see things more clearly. This is a gift.”
That night in my prayers, I thanked Heavenly Father for the gift that he had given me, I asked for his help in seeing what was trying to show me. With a heart broken, tear streaked face, I fell asleep.
The next morning I remembered what Amanda said, I remember the spirit I felt during my prayer, and I put it to the test! I choose to let my guard down on everything good and allow myself to give up the things in my life that bring unhappiness. I am normally such a control freak, making this was such a hard thing for me to do.
When I started to study for my lesson, I was seriously taking note of my trials. I had a list of the things that I found the hardest to get through in my life.
When I looked at this list I realized how much I hated myself for this. I felt disgusting and alone. I knew that I was unlovable. I felt embarrassed by the lack of beauty I had to offer. I was damaged. I am damaged. I felt as though only someone abusive could give me attention.
Then, with the kindest and most gentle whispering from the Holy Ghost, I felt his words warm my heart. I felt these comforting words, “None of these were your fault or choice.” I felt peace, my thoughts slowed down. I was calm. Then another thought came to me, “What you do with all of this IS your choice.”
It is my choice. I own me. There are things in my life that I can’t control, but there are things that I can. Life is too hard to surround yourself with sadness. Love is too heartbreaking to put your hopes in someone that doesn’t yet know how to love. The church is too right to not use my time wisely and weave myself into its teachings. Family is too eternal to not love them. Friends of quality are rare and should be treated as gems. I needed to make an action plan so I would never feel unlovable and worthless again.
These are the reasons why I made the action plan below:
-I started to study blessings. Happiness. Joy. Love. Family…
-I started to pray with an open heart. I started to read my scriptures every day. I started putting church attendance as my top priority.
-I made an appointment with my bishop. I have been living so close to that line of sin for way too long. I kind of lead my life like “I want to be good, but I don’t need to be that good.” I realized that is how people were lost in the “mists of darkness”. Life is dark when you are not focused on the light of the world! Talking with my bishop was embarrassing, hard and I felt as though I have been in those offices way too many times for me to feel “light” again. But I did. Before I even left his office, I felt peace. I KNEW that I was doing what made Heavenly Father Proud. There really is no peace without keeping our promises to our Heavenly Father. We cannot be happy without the atonement. We cannot feel our worth before we become worth something in the eternities.
-I make sure that I take my medicine every day. I have a chemical imbalance, but it’s my choice if I want to feel that way or if I want to feel balanced. I prefer balance in my life. I prefer not to be in pain, whether it is spiritual, mental, or physical. Pain? No thank you!
-I have started to lose weight and become more physically healthy. Even if I am handicapped, I refuse to make things harder on myself. I’m down 26 lbs. It’s slow, but steady!
-I asked all of my family to be there for me. I told them it was ok if they couldn’t, but I needed their help. They are all becoming healthier. We lost over 100 lbs together. They have helped me with doctor’s appointments. We spend more time together. I am learning who they are and loving them. I am letting them in my life. I make sure that my time is spent with them when we both have it available.
-My friends that I hang out with love me. I know they do. They support me. They accept me for my flaws, they wait for me when I fall behind, and they help me smile naturally. They know that I love them and they accept that love. It’s not awkward. It’s perfectly equal.
-I don’t hang out with those that don’t love or respect me. If I feel as though I am being used, I cut off their supply of my time. I stopped investing in those that still don’t know who I am. I want to be known. I want others to see my worth. I am lovable, and if they can’t see it, that’s ok. I’m just not wasting myself or my time on those that can’t appreciate who I am.
-Every morning I wake up and I think ‘Today is going to be a great day’. It works. I even have a motto that I say to myself when I start to doubt my new life. It’s in the heading of this letter, “be calm, love on’. Slow down, open up. There is nothing in this world that is good that isn’t worth sending love its way. I was so afraid of LOVE. It seemed like the worst four letter word out there. When people said it, it seemed like a double edged sword, but it’s not. It’s beautiful. It’s kind. It’s simple.
-Every day in my prayers I am grateful. I share my happiness with my Heavenly Father.
That helps most of all!
I’m learning to fall in love with myself. Not in the conceded way, but in kindness. In the details. In the flaws. In the strengths.
I really do love my life. I’m so thankful for it. I am so blessed. I want to thank those that never expected me to be anything but what I am. Rie. Just Rie.
Happiness waits for everyone to find it. I’ve found that when you follow the above, things become more balanced. Things slow down. But in those times of doubt, if you need to borrow my life raft of ‘be calm, love on’ please do.
I was so grateful to study the subject of optimism but I was nervous, everything that I learned for this talk was so personal, I had no idea how I would actually share it. Interestingly enough, my class was cancelled. There was not enough time for my course to be added in the schedule. I felt a wave of relief. I felt blessed for being directed in this subject of study; because with out being asked to learn about it, I would have never have done it on my own.
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