Happy month fellow bloggers!!

November holds many things that are dear to me; Thanksgiving, Black Friday, My Mom’s birthday, and many little treasures that this month celebrates. I would like to take note of NaBloPoMo and NaNoWriMo, which sneak up on me every year, even though I know its November when they arrive.

NaBloPoMo, or National Blog Posting Month, is a month long writing exercise intended to occur annually in November. The challenge is to publish one post on one's blog every day. There is no length requirement, thank goodness, but I hope quality will be a large part of my posts this month. I may blog more than one post on one day, and none on the next. Sometimes life is too busy to sit down every day to post. 

NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, was started by a group of authors who wanted to motivate themselves into creating more work. The challenge is to produce a 50,000 word novel within one month. Who has time for this when they work full time!? Sheesh!  Right now my novel The SPINDLE is at 37,780 words. My personal NaNoWriMo goal 12,220 words to hit 50,000 words by March. I think my goal is obtainable, but I really want to focus on quality over quantity. Here’s hoping for both.

Cheers to all novelists shooting for their goals this month.

Love goes to the journalists that are too busy to write every day, but still try between naptimes, work expectations, social events, family schedules, and church callings.

Thanks to the poets that write on stained Betos napkins because their muse found them at 3 o’clock in the morning on a Saturday night.

To all of the grammar Nazis out there – we, being the others, know our flaws. Help the less gifted learn, but please be kind and see that talent can reside in those that still rely on spellcheck. Give us a break. Give us a lift.

I’m looking forward to write more this month. I want to be a published writer one day. This is a nice month to get my hands dirty and kick writer’s block in the pants. Good luck to all the writers everywhere. May your pens, pencils, markers, typewriters, keyboards, and touchscreens be open to the talent that’s uniquely yours. OPA!



Clack, clack. Plat.

Fall is a brewing!  It uplifts my spirits, to the point of feeling hyper.  I adore the colors, the clothes, cold breezes that flow through windows, the grey, green, and purple hued clouds, the fogged sun during the afternoons and the velvety dark that bookends the day, the neighboring holidays waiting to host loved ones, and yes, even the windy, rainy days that will surely mess up your hair.  I love it all.

This season invites my favorite things to come together in perfect harmony.  It makes me want to bundle up and write; the small clacks on the keyboard making friends with the plats of rain on the roof.   I crave to dig into new books and soups.  I like to walk with the sprinkling rain, both of us moving at a slow pace.  The wild air swells with sweet-sounding whistling and hums.  The mix of poetic thoughts and hot chocolate slip past each other on my tongue politely, each waiting their turn and never having judgment of my art or calorie intake.   The trees glow ablaze with crisp hot colors while the silver grass lay bejeweled with frozen beads of dew - the perfect embodiment of fire and ice.

I want to feel crisp air in my lungs.

I want to rest in warm blankets.

I want to taste savory meals.

I want to wear the stormy colors of Vera Wang.

I want to hug my friends.

I want to show my ample gratitude for family.

I want to make my life more substantial.

I want to feel free.

I want to start now.

For everything there is a season.  For me, it is fall.

Rieting Time - LIST POEM

My Grief Cycle
SHOCK
It’s hard to breathe!
I can’t sleep!
I lost so much!
Who is singing upstairs!
April fools!

DENIAL
Work and sleep
My faith is strong enough
Work and sleep
I don’t need anyone
Work and sleep

ANGER
You should have warned me!
Gossip, lies, and rejection, oh my!
What loss, she isn’t lost!
Everyone is crazy!
A BABY!

BARGAINING
I don’t want to survive this…
If I make them a priority, I’ll be important to them…
Please, please help…
I’ll just go to church…
I feel fine…

DEPRESSION
everyone leaves
i’m not needed
i’m alone
i deserve this
hello darkness my old friend

TESTING
Counseling?
Medication?
Confiding?
Faith?
Crying?

ACCEPTANCE
I’m a part of a sisterhood.
My testimony is as strong as I build it.
I need to communicate with my friends.
Healthy relationships require trust.
I miss her.

CYCLING
hello darkness my old friend
I lost so much!
Please, please help…
Faith?
I miss her.

A small story - to give some clarity

The passing of a loved one is a sensation that you can only understand if you’ve been through it. I’ve had many people give advice, condolences, and support while I have been grieving my mother. I’m grateful for those people. For me losing my mom also meant that I lost my person I could always run to, my overly-loud conscience, my personal comedian, a beacon of honesty, my trusted secret keeper, a gospel icon, and a best friend. Many people tell you that you will always have a part of her with you, but I was never prepared for the part of me that went with her. The shock of my mom passing on left me disoriented, breathless, and hurt. I’ve known from a young age that my mother was prepared for a shorter life but I don't think that anyone else could have prepared for it. I know that there will be times throughout my life that I will need to pause and secure my footing because there will always be a part of me that is anchored to her. We are connected, her and I.

Today I had someone tell me that they were sorry that I lost my mom. My first thought was, “I’m sorry that you never met her”.  Knowing my mom was a blessing. My blog today was just going to be a list poem, which I'll share later, that I’ve been working on, but as I was typing it out there was more that needed to be said. More back story to what I’m missing out on and what I had to learn to do without.

My mother had moods that changed faster than Utah weather. She had the eyes of a hawk for flaws and shortcomings. She was as unruly and free as a shoeless summer. She was outspoken, always, whether it was with a tongue sharp as a sword or with courage speaking up for the underdog. My mom never swore, “Except one word that couldn’t not be replaced by any other word” when a woman was acting more like a witch than a lady. My mom was extreme in everything; from her loud shirts and muu-muus to her experiences in life and relationships.

My mom was a force to be reckoned with. The removal of that force from this world should have left a black hole in her place, not just a metaphorical one that I feel in my lungs whenever I’m lonely for her company but a real empty space where gravity prevents anything to remain, including light. How could you remove such a bright soul and expect nothing but darkness to be in its place?

The world should grieve her. Maybe it does, in its own way. It is lacking the barking laughter that only she could sound like when someone slipped and fell; no sound will echo that again. There was a tangible silence, only she could enforce on a room when she “needed to be alone for a minute”. The outdoors will be missing her pink hair - half red, half white, that she collected out of her hairbrush before she threw it outside “for the birds to use”. Trees are heavier now without her buying hundreds of notebooks and stationary pads to hand out to people in the neighborhood because “someone always needs school supplies”. Even the calendar celebrates April Fools the day after she left this world; it knew that if there was any time that she wasn't counting after curfew, being wasted by unrequited love, avoiding sleep, planning a meal, or her proving that punctuality was not a lost art in the Mormon culture must had been a joke. Handsome, and not so handsome, men everywhere will be missing her never-ending hunt for her single daughter. These men will go without a slipped phone number or dinner invite as she is leaving a restaurant, shopping a clearance isle, or even receiving oxygen from a paramedic who later she disappointedly found out was married. “Hollering distance” has been reigned in miles because other mother’s do not carry the same lung capacity, to call her children home that mine did. Every baby in a stranger’s arm was met with my mother’s cooing and individual 15 minutes of fame. A burning hot day will never hear the words “Haught-dawgy” the way my mother could say it with her unique Ohioan-Utahan accent. The sales for footies (small socks), sassafras tea, and jello have all likely plummeted. And waiters across the Salt Lake Valley are definitely handing out too many lemon slices per table.

The world has changed since her leaving it. My world has changed.

The Nichols girls are all equally emotional, moody and passionate as my mother in our own way or another. We have all split the compliments that my mother has received throughout her life. Her traits were divided amongst us. They would have to be. I don’t think anyone could have a personality that took on the world as spherically as my mother’s did. Even though I only have some of her charisma, craziness and passions, I’m lucky to have that part of her with me. A close friend told me that I exaggerate everything. I looked shocked and then I roared with laughter. I used to say that to my mom as well. It is true in both cases.

My mother never read us books before bedtime as children, but my entire life was full of stories. She embellished her past so much that they may as well have been tall tales. Her memories became our fairytales and fables. They became legends as they were told, and retold by many. She would tell them to anyone who would listen, or even stand still long enough. She was a story teller. A word weaver.  She had a passionate look on the world.  I compare my mother to Edward Bloom from the movie Big Fish to anyone who didn’t get the chance to meet her. She was equally full of life and tale.

The day my mom passed, my family sat in the family room that was next to the ER in the hospital. I remember a lot about that room, the things that were said, the way my family looked, and my thoughts during that awful night. I remember running into my brother-in-law Greg in the parking lot; he would tell me nothing but to go inside. I remember the squeaky couch cushion that I sat on next to my dad after he looked at me with tears telling me that “she’s gone”. I remember where everyone sat and how London and Monte arrived last and then seeing their faces fall as they were told the news. I remember the priesthood blessings that were given in a room that I’m sure has seen innumerable amounts of tears. I remember Monte looking at the floor and talking to everyone as he asked, “Well, will you be able to remember her stories?” We all knew that we would. They were imprinted in us, down to our cores. They will be shared with those that never got to meet her, those that will never understand the greatness of Valerie Nichols.

Lead, kindly Light…

I am sorry that I haven’t posted as constantly as I should have.

So much has been happening that I can hardly keep up with it all. Sadly, life has been pretty hard for me lately. I’ve been having medical issues – all of them have taken weeks, months, years, to find out answers too. I feel that I have a game plan now and it’s easier for me to write about it because I’m not feeling lost in the night.

About a month or two ago my left side started to lose feeling and I was scared. I had a hard time understanding how I was getting worse when I was medically doing everything I could. I was dieting, I was doing physical therapy, I had spinal injections, I had nerve root block injections, I was taking my medicine, and I was following up with the doctors that were helping me through treatment. I had a blessing from my brother-in-law Greg and I felt calm and had peace that I would be taken care of. The next few days I was getting better, and fast. I was able to move into my sister Lera’s house with her beautiful family with a bunch of help from some really great friends.


A few weeks after I moved, the numbness and weakness hit me again, except this time it came back with a vengeance. My entire left side, arm and leg, went numb and weak. I could barely walk, shower, sit, and all of the amazing blessings that we take for granted daily. I couldn’t text or even hold my phone in my left hand.
I went to the ER, twice, and I had some tests done to see if I had a stroke. My face wasn’t affected at all by the weakness so the doctors were confused by my symptoms. I had tests of all kinds done for approximately 3 days. CT-Scan, 5 MRI’s, X-rays, blood work, strength and reflex, a heart echo…all came out healthy with no signs of MS, stroke, or any types of heart issues. I was perfectly healthy. I went back to the ER and they admitted me to the hospital to finish up these tests and were watching my vitals cautiously. (Apparently these symptoms can show weeks before the actual attack.)

I was so scared. I was feeling anxious because I hate hospitals; my mom had spent so much of her life in one that I promised myself I never would. I felt like I was imprisoned in my own body. The worst part for me was seeing my family struggle with my burden.

Before I went to the ER the first time, my Bro-in-law gave me another blessing. In that blessing Greg was so calm and faithful in the words he was revealing to me that I also felt the surety of the promises he was saying. He said that I will be healed, but I must be patient until that happens. I knew he was right. I’m trying to be patient. I’m grateful that answers are already coming into my view as I go through this journey.

I have been basically at bed rest at my sister’s house. I'm able to get around when needed and shower/take care of my simple needs. Laying down is the most comfortable for me. I’m not released to go to work-which I am grateful for because I couldn’t walk or sit for the requirements of my job. I’m working on filing a claim for short-term disability and I’m praying that everything will go smoothly with that.

I met with a Neurosurgeon last year; he gave me bad news and I felt a little shattered with the information that he was preparing me for if my issues spread past my right leg. He said that because my nerves were already damaged that doing surgery would provide more risk than relief and he told me that he would not be able to help me further until it became worse. When I left the hospital they told me that I needed to see this doctor again to follow up with him on my case. I didn’t want to see him. I felt as though that path had already been examined and I didn’t feel that he would be able to help me. By the time I was about to call to set up an appointment, my bro-in-law Greg’s mother called me. Nancy said that she works for an orthopedic surgeon, someone who deals with the bones instead of just the nerves, she told him about me and he made sure to see me a.s.a.p.

I met with an orthopedic surgeon this morning, Doctor Felix. He was such a kind and smart man. He knew my case before I arrived in the office. He already did the research on my films from the Lumbar Spine MRI that I had so I wouldn’t have to make a separate follow up appointment. He was prepared. And he was a black and white thinker like I am. He had a game plan. He gave me 3 options.
1. Do nothing and learn to live with it.
2. Do more physical therapy and try to strengthen what I have so it hopefully doesn’t spread. (Which is what I did last year and ended up having a damaged right leg)
3. Have spinal surgery. He said that the surgery will be my best option if I’m looking to save my left leg and if I want any chance of getting some strength back in my right leg. I felt as though that was the right solution and I have an appointment at the St. Marks hospital for spinal surgery on April 30th.

I’m nervous for the 8-10 weeks of recovery and for the issues that may arise during the procedure, but I feel solid about this decision.

I feel as though it’s my best option and that the past 2 years have been leading me up to this choice. My arm is back to normal. My leg is getting a bit worse. All in all, I know that I will be taken care of and I feel truly blessed for the help of my family and friends.

When I was released from the hospital the next day due to insurance issues, I was released under guardian care. I lived with my Dad and his wife Betty for almost two weeks. They were so hospitable.
My dad was gone for the majority of the time, because of work, but when he was home he was supportive, involved and loving.
Betty is a retired nurse. She was all over my illness from the moment I went to the ER, to the tests, to the hospital, to being released at home. She was with me, drove me, visited me, and made sure I had what I needed.
Lera and Greg have been so sweet and helpful. I have been living back at their home for a few weeks. Lera goes to the store for me, helps me clean and do my laundry, makes errands for me, and she always checks in on me. (Even though she is a mom of 2 boys, ages 2 and 3, and works part-time at the fitness center- she always makes time for me.) She made sure that I had clean clothes and all of the preps a girl needs when she isn't in the luxery of her own home.
Greg, always the nice guy, treats me like a spoiled little sister. He helps me set up my computer and all of the gadgets that I need to be more comfortable. He gives me the good parking spot. He plays games with me on the phone. He is so entertaining and funny.
My nephews, Brody and Palmer are two of the cutest things you can imagine. They give me “big loves” which consists of grins, giggles, and full body hugs. They ask me about my ow-ie all the time. Saying that they can’t see it but they have to still be careful with Auntie Why.
My sister London calls me a lot and keeps me company. She has helped me stay motivated in eating right and being as healthy as possible. She has helped me know that I’m not alone these past years. Always helping me feel loved and I always feel more "like me" when I’m with her. She doesn’t expect anything from me but to be me.
Annie stayed with me while I was admitted in the hospital. She helped me get some of my medical strings tied up on the insurance side. She has offered supportive gospel and attitude counsel, medical advice, and has helped me become aware of all of my blessings by her optimism and thoughtfulness. She always knows when I need support, whether it’s because times are hard or because she just knows me and my quarks. She has held my hand through the past 2 years in this medical trial.
I have had a bunch of texts and calls from friends that have been so constant this last year. They all support me in different, and much needed, ways.

I was going to have the surgery this coming Monday, but my friend Allison will be coming out for the MTC a day early and we are going to throw her a nice dinner (at Red Robin, lol) before she leaves. Besides doctor’s appointments and tests, this will be my first time out of the house. I’m dying to have some fun…but I’m also nervous for how people will look at me. I don’t know what are worse, judgmental eyes or the sympathetic eyes that make you feel a little pathetic. Either way I need to strengthen up. Recovery is going to be a long road. I want to feel normal again. I trust that I’m headed in that direction. I have faith that I will not be alone during this or let down during this change in my life. I'm glad that I asked if there was a later appointment because the nurse told me that we would actually need to set up another appointment for a pre-op. Which they would not have been able to have done before Monday and that could have held up my surgery.

I’m really trying to make a better, healthier life for myself. Since I can’t swim in the mornings, I have got to get my diet working for me. I have been using the app "fitness pal" which is a daily calorie counter. It's been working for me.
Low calories. Low carbs. Low sugars. High protein. High fiber. High motivation.

Like the brilliant John Lennon has said, “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans”. A few years ago I would have never seen me in this situation. But I can see the blessings that I have because of the trials I have gone through. I’m happy and I feel the blessings of the Lord in my daily life. I am grateful for the Holy Ghost during trials and the hard times. There is a season for everything; right now this is a down time for me. I know that the seasons change...I’m looking forward to what the future holds for me.

FREE MEAL...or dressing

I have been wanting to blog for a while, but the things I want to write about are feelings or journals about specific events. That takes way too much time. So instead, I'm going to post one delicious recipe. This is a mock-Cafe Rio House Dressing or Creamy Tomatillo Dressing. Enjoy.

Creamy Tomatillo Dressing
4-5 husked tomatillos (depending on size)
1 C mayo
1 pkg Buttermilk Ranch dressing
1 & 1/2 limes, juiced
1/2 sprig of cilantro (remove large stems)
1/2 - 1 seedless-jalapeno (depends on spice desired)
2 cloves minced garlic
*1 Cafe Rio Worker

Blend until liquefied
Keep refrigerated up to two weeks
*1 Cafe Rio Worker is not actually needed...that was just for funsies.


(If you are making salads, you can use the rest of the cilantro/limes for those.)

Eleven Tag

I have been having a huge writer's block as of late; whether it's for blogging, writing, letters and even my lame facebook status - I'm at a loss. I'm glad that I have a few questions to answer from being tagged in this chain-blog, because frankly, it gives me something to post about.

Here's what I have to do (and 11 other lucky readers):

1. Post the rules
2. Share 11 random things about myself
3. Answer the 11 questions from the post in which I was tagged
4. Create 11 new questions for my tagees to answer
5. Tag 11 people

11 Random Things About Me:

1. I am the MASTER at having unrequited relationships.
2. I have a goal to go on one big vacation and one small vacation every year.
3. I want to be a published writer even though I have very poor grammar and spelling habits. I am currently working on two novels-both suffering from writer's block.
4. I have a small swearing problem.
5. I love stars. I love star-gazing. I love songs about them. I love poetry that talks about their celestial glow and beauty. I love the pattern, the shape, and the symbols of them. I love that one of my nicknames is "Star". I love that I was given the book "star girl" because it reminded a friend of me. I love everything about stars.
6. I can play a few songs on the Uke and I love playing it. (However I don't love an audience) My Uke's name is La Mer.
7. I am an Ordinance Worker at the Jordan River Temple.
8. If I have to, I prefer to cry in the shower over anywhere else.
9. I am terrified of the ocean and I have a very irrational fear of the mammals in the ocean.
10. I rarely talk on the phone -but I am constantly texting.
11. I am always craving one of three foods: sushi, cheese enchiladas, or curry.

11 Questions Asked of Me:

1. How do you relieve stress? I shower and I shave. I know it sounds weird, but it gets the day off of you. It melts away tension and it leaves you squeaky clean.
2. What would be your dream vacation? A honeymoon cruise!!! ;)
3. What is your favorite quote/saying? Almost anything from Mumford but I really like, "Love, it will not betray you, dismay you or enslave you. It will set you free." -Mumford and Sons
4. How many hours of sleep do you need a night to function well? I need 6 hours to get through the weekdays but I HAVE to sleep in on the weekends.
5. What is your favorite dessert? I love rich chocolate and peanut butter.
6. What will you ask for as your birthday gift this year? I have no idea. I am normally very spoiled by my sisters and close friends. They got my back.
7. Do you have a nickname, and if so how did you get it? Auntie Why, my nephews all called me this at some point. <3
8. What is best and the worst book you have ever read? I tried reading the Eldest Series, but I would rather pull my hair out than finish it. The best book is really hard to say...maybe Sense and Sensibility.
9. What is something you would like to learn how to do? Lose weight and keep it off.
10. What celebrity do you have a crush on? Ryan Reynolds
11. What past job did you enjoy the most? I really liked working at Blockbuster. I made some really great friends there and I got some sweet discounts.

Questions for 11 Lucky People (should they choose to accept this challenge):
1. What are you naturally talented at?
2. What is the most embarrassing song you have on your ipod?
3. What book have you read over and over?
4. Who is your hero, and why?
5. What song represents you?
6. What is something that can always make you laugh?
7. Who do you consider your best friend?
8. What would you choose for your last meal?
9. What movie makes you cry, every time?
10.What advise would you give yourself if you could go back in time?
11.What question do you wish I asked, and how would you answer it?


And finally, the 11 Lucky People I choose to tag are...

1. Greg - I stole this one from Lera. :)
2. Jen Hoyt
3. Jenn Manrique
4. Rachel
5. Alypon
6. Brooke
7. Alice
8. Bequi
9. Sam
10. Lisa
11. Mr. C- if he reads this.