Odd women out...

Last night I had an Epiphany.

My nephew Palmer always comments on my CTR ring saying things like "Mommy and Daddy are married" or "Is this your married ring?". I always give him a little explanation that I'm not married and that my ring is a church ring. Once I even tried to explain how my ring was not on the same hand as his Mommy and Daddy's ring was, but that didn't get too far because he was obviously more interested in my cane.

After dinner Palmer said "This is Auntie Rie's cane, this is how she walks", he then limped and gimped and hopped around the living room. He is adorable. I however feel not so adorable when I am limping around with my cane. I miss high heels. I miss being able to use stairs easily. I miss not having stares from strangers follow me when I walk around a store. I miss being able to play and jump and walk everywhere I wanted to go. I get down a lot because I think that no one will want to date a girl like me, especially with a cane, and I put myself down thinking that I'm alone for a reason.

We caravan to the Dinosaur Museum in Thanksgiving Point, it is awesome there, but I was exhausted by the time we left. My leg felt as though it was giving out and I was angry with the fact that I was tired at 8:30 pm. Some of my favorite people in the world, went home together. I couldn't help but notice that I drove home alone. I am single. Singular. I wasn't down about it - it was actually a beautiful drive with great music, I just realized I was alone but not lonely.

I finally understood what it means to be single. I am alone until I am married or coupled. Duh, why did I not understand that before?

It doesn't mean that I am not worth the love and attentions of someone else. It doesn't mean that I don't deserve an eternal marriage. It doesn't mean that I am doing something wrong. All relationships fail before you find the one you belong with. That doesn't mean that I'm a failure. It just means that I haven't found my single man to couple with.

Until I do, I'm happy to wear my church ring. I'm happy to have other emblems of a single life like less responsibility, enjoying parties that run deep into the night, random vacations, and having a girls night almost every night with my roomies. I'm happy to be singular which has synonyms such as remarkable, extraordinary, outstanding, distinct, and odd.

I know that I will have days that I get down about being single, I'm sure that the post-spinal surgery days will be a hard trial for me; but I'm grateful to realize that things work on Heavenly Father's time (I am so grateful that I didn't marry the man I wanted 10 years ago, 10 months ago, or even 10 days ago), that I'm never alone, that I am sealed to my family, and I am promised a family of my own one day.

Last night I made new goals in my life. I am going to work on me; feeling happier, stronger, healthier, more spiritual, and using my singlehood to the fullest. I'm going to drink it all in.