Optimistic during opposition

For me, happiness doesn’t come naturally, this is a choice. I’m learning how to do it as I go, but I thought I would share some of the reasons why I decided to take better care of myself, to learn to love myself, and to only allow myself to invest in those that can give me a healthy relationship (whether it’s work, friend, social, romantic, family, etc…). I control my happiness; no one else really has a role in that. Yes, it’s true that others can make you feel all ranges of emotions from the best to the worst, but I control who I spend my time with and how much power I can give to others.
About two months ago, my roomy Annie and I were talking about how to be happy. We both shared some experiences on how we came out of a trial feeling happier than when we went into it, but I had absolutely no experiences that I was able to find the positive side during a trial. My life, just like everyone else’s, has been hard. I told Annie that the only way that I thought I could find happiness and stay happy was for me to be defensive against the things that hurt me. I had to defend the things that made me happy. I had to completely fight against the things in my life that brought me down. I had to arm myself with goodness. I started studying about the Armor of God. I started to pray for happiness. I started to beg, in sincere and righteous wanting, to have a special spirit to be with me so I could become an optimistic person. That week of asking, studying, and wanting goodness to fill my heart opened so many new ways of thinking for me.
The next week Annie asked me to teach a class on ‘How to be Optimistic during Opposition’ for a service week with the singles in our Stake. We both knew the reason why she thought I should teach this. We knew that I needed to study it. Studying for this topic has been such a rebirth in my emotional state. This topic has been very tough for me to study because; 1. I didn’t have a testimony of finding joy during trials, 2. I feel as though I have been barely staying above water in my life, and worst of all 3. I still didn’t think that I deserved to feel at peace. I prayed for that patient spirit to coach me through this.
When I started to study, I looked up numerous talks on trials. This was interesting to me because my focus automatically went to the burdens and how to deal with them.
I was talking to my friend Amanda about my medical issues. I had just found out that there was nothing the doctors could do for me but give me medicine to help with the pain, not even a resolve or temporarily take away the pain, but to try to find something to help it. Painful spinal injections did nothing. Physical Therapy only strengthened my financial debt. In a white cold doctor’s lab, my spinal surgeon told me that they would be unable to operate because I had such extensive nerve damage, that it damaged my muscles. I will always have a paralyzed extension in my right leg. He also told me that my spinal issues will branch off and cause other problems in my body. It could affect my hip movement, my bladder control, my sexual organs, my reproductive organs; my other leg, flexibility and movement in my back…but these were “highly unlikely”. In another visit he told me that my nerve damage may heal within the next year, but that was also unlikely.
The fear and loss of hope in gaining my strength back I felt in that moment had me weeping. I was lucky that Annie showed up at the end of the appointment, because she was able to ask all of the questions that I was begging to know. I’m also glad that she listened, because I couldn’t. My thoughts were screaming. I felt as though I had lost a future that I wanted so much, a family. I would forever feel trapped in a body that looked like a monster. I already have such bad weight problems that men will never feel attracted to me, but now I felt permanently damaged.
Who could love a creature like me? Who would take care of me if I got sicker? How could anyone not think of me as a burden? What friends would stick by me when I am such a freak of nature? I was terrified. I was so alone. When I left the doctor’s office I cried in the parking lot for a few hours until I could see the road.
I hated myself. I hated everything that I was. I hated everything that I thought I would never have in my future. A while later when I could open up about things, and I was talking to Amanda, I told her about my fears. I felt left behind. I felt as though I was slowing down and the whole world was speeding up. She told me, “Heavenly Father would only slow you down so he could make sure that you see things more clearly. This is a gift.”
That night in my prayers, I thanked Heavenly Father for the gift that he had given me, I asked for his help in seeing what was trying to show me. With a heart broken, tear streaked face, I fell asleep.
The next morning I remembered what Amanda said, I remember the spirit I felt during my prayer, and I put it to the test! I choose to let my guard down on everything good and allow myself to give up the things in my life that bring unhappiness. I am normally such a control freak, making this was such a hard thing for me to do.
When I started to study for my lesson, I was seriously taking note of my trials. I had a list of the things that I found the hardest to get through in my life.
When I looked at this list I realized how much I hated myself for this. I felt disgusting and alone. I knew that I was unlovable. I felt embarrassed by the lack of beauty I had to offer. I was damaged. I am damaged. I felt as though only someone abusive could give me attention.
Then, with the kindest and most gentle whispering from the Holy Ghost, I felt his words warm my heart. I felt these comforting words, “None of these were your fault or choice.” I felt peace, my thoughts slowed down. I was calm. Then another thought came to me, “What you do with all of this IS your choice.”
It is my choice. I own me. There are things in my life that I can’t control, but there are things that I can. Life is too hard to surround yourself with sadness. Love is too heartbreaking to put your hopes in someone that doesn’t yet know how to love. The church is too right to not use my time wisely and weave myself into its teachings. Family is too eternal to not love them. Friends of quality are rare and should be treated as gems. I needed to make an action plan so I would never feel unlovable and worthless again.
These are the reasons why I made the action plan below:
-I started to study blessings. Happiness. Joy. Love. Family…
-I started to pray with an open heart. I started to read my scriptures every day. I started putting church attendance as my top priority.
-I made an appointment with my bishop. I have been living so close to that line of sin for way too long. I kind of lead my life like “I want to be good, but I don’t need to be that good.” I realized that is how people were lost in the “mists of darkness”. Life is dark when you are not focused on the light of the world! Talking with my bishop was embarrassing, hard and I felt as though I have been in those offices way too many times for me to feel “light” again. But I did. Before I even left his office, I felt peace. I KNEW that I was doing what made Heavenly Father Proud. There really is no peace without keeping our promises to our Heavenly Father. We cannot be happy without the atonement. We cannot feel our worth before we become worth something in the eternities.
-I make sure that I take my medicine every day. I have a chemical imbalance, but it’s my choice if I want to feel that way or if I want to feel balanced. I prefer balance in my life. I prefer not to be in pain, whether it is spiritual, mental, or physical. Pain? No thank you!
-I have started to lose weight and become more physically healthy. Even if I am handicapped, I refuse to make things harder on myself. I’m down 26 lbs. It’s slow, but steady!
-I asked all of my family to be there for me. I told them it was ok if they couldn’t, but I needed their help. They are all becoming healthier. We lost over 100 lbs together. They have helped me with doctor’s appointments. We spend more time together. I am learning who they are and loving them. I am letting them in my life. I make sure that my time is spent with them when we both have it available.
-My friends that I hang out with love me. I know they do. They support me. They accept me for my flaws, they wait for me when I fall behind, and they help me smile naturally. They know that I love them and they accept that love. It’s not awkward. It’s perfectly equal.
-I don’t hang out with those that don’t love or respect me. If I feel as though I am being used, I cut off their supply of my time. I stopped investing in those that still don’t know who I am. I want to be known. I want others to see my worth. I am lovable, and if they can’t see it, that’s ok. I’m just not wasting myself or my time on those that can’t appreciate who I am.
-Every morning I wake up and I think ‘Today is going to be a great day’. It works. I even have a motto that I say to myself when I start to doubt my new life. It’s in the heading of this letter, “be calm, love on’. Slow down, open up. There is nothing in this world that is good that isn’t worth sending love its way. I was so afraid of LOVE. It seemed like the worst four letter word out there. When people said it, it seemed like a double edged sword, but it’s not. It’s beautiful. It’s kind. It’s simple.
-Every day in my prayers I am grateful. I share my happiness with my Heavenly Father.
That helps most of all!
I’m learning to fall in love with myself. Not in the conceded way, but in kindness. In the details. In the flaws. In the strengths.
I really do love my life. I’m so thankful for it. I am so blessed. I want to thank those that never expected me to be anything but what I am. Rie. Just Rie.
Happiness waits for everyone to find it. I’ve found that when you follow the above, things become more balanced. Things slow down. But in those times of doubt, if you need to borrow my life raft of ‘be calm, love on’ please do.
I was so grateful to study the subject of optimism but I was nervous, everything that I learned for this talk was so personal, I had no idea how I would actually share it. Interestingly enough, my class was cancelled. There was not enough time for my course to be added in the schedule. I felt a wave of relief. I felt blessed for being directed in this subject of study; because with out being asked to learn about it, I would have never have done it on my own.