overcompensations and belittlements

Going back to school has been wonderful.  I love learning about anatomy, different massage modalities, business, and all of the options I have in the massage therapy career field.   But along my path I’ve noticed a rather weird thorn that keeps getting stuck in my side. It was an irritant back when I was attending SLCC for cosmetology, in almost every singles ward I’ve attended, and I especially noticed it in high school.  The thorn that continues to prick at me are the odd expectations others have of my body type and the verbal, uncomfortable overcompensations and belittlements people give me.
During my first month of class I’ve had people tell me the following:
Don’t worry about your weight honey, you’re fabulous.
You are Be-U-ti-FUL no matter what size you are!
Do you want to test out the table to see if it will hold you? I won’t tell anyone if you’re worried. (This is referring to the 800 lb. capacity massage table that I was about to “relax” and receive a massage on.)
I know some really skinny people who are in much worse shape than you are.
We big girls need to stick together.

NOT ONCE were these statements a reply to my having personal inquiries about myself.  All of these were said to me because others were judging my confidence or my personality from my weight.  I find it incredibly insulting. People- get a grip! I’m a big girl, there is no beating around the bush here.  For the most part, I feel happy with myself.  Yes, there are many things I want to change, refine, or wish I didn’t have to deal with – but all together I feel proud of who I am, what I’ve accomplished, and generally comfortable in my skin. 

Granted, I had ZERO self confidence when I was age pick-a-number-teen.  I didn’t know who I was growing up and these labels were ready for the taking, and I quickly applied them to myself.  Fat. Blubber. Lard-ass. Bubble Butt. Lard-o. Whale. And then there is the nickname that I’ve sworn I’d never share with others, out of fear it would become a lasting joke at my expense, Sa-Rhino.  Kids in grade school use to salute me when I passed them in the halls, and then they would follow me announcing a huge “BOOM” with every step I took.  These nicknames were horrible, abusive, and belittling, and I let them become the defining words for how I thought of myself.  Thank the heavens that I am no longer stuck in that frame of mind.  Sure, I have bad days when feelings, insecurities, and emotional baggage gets the better of me but for the most part I love myself; I accept myself.  To quote The Silver Linings Playbook, “There's always going to be a part of me that's sloppy and dirty, but I like that- along with all the other parts of myself.” 

Now that I’m out of the bullying age, or at least I am able to leave any situation that I’m not comfortable in, I find it shocking that instead of making fun of me, people are applauding me or even “forgiving” me for my weight.  I don’t care what you call it – It’s harassment and I’m tired of it.  People are singling out my size and treat me as though my weight is the only thing about me with value. 

 

My personality is not linked to my weight- I’d hate to reduce anyone else to that. 
There are loud, big, and flamboyant parts of me as well as shy, graceful, and gentle parts of me.  I’m happy with myself and I work hard to refine the things I want to improve on.

 

My doctor and the world of western medicine calls me morbidly obese.  Fat activists call me a “real women”, whatever that means...  I’ve had guys call me “ugly” because of my size, or “pretty in spite of my size”- both are awful things to say to a women.  Bullies have called me many things.  In my adult life- I’ve never felt anything other than myself.  The only time that I wear these fat-labels are when others call me them. 


When I realize how ridiculous these judgmental pegs are or when I’m feeling down about myself, I try to remember how my loved ones think of me.  My genuine relationships have been a guiding compass to help me stay on track in loving myself.  I’m so grateful that I have such wonderful, kind, and strong people in my life that have a healthy idea of who they are, who they want to be, and that they invest in the same things I do: health, love, courage, education, family, change, spiritual growth, friends, laughter, rest and relaxation, service, and work- just to name a few.  They see me as, well, me.  All of me.  And that is the only way to be seen.